Let’s be real: Nobody loves talking about money with their partner.
It’s about the least romantic thing you can do.
…But it’s still one of the most important things you can do, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage.
Fortunately, money talks don’t have to be super awkward or tense.
If you take the right approach and plan your conversation in advance, you’ll be able to set a course for smooth sailing.
Here’s how to talk to your partner about money:
- Choose the right time and place. Talking at home on the couch is much better than trying to discuss finances walking through a crowded farmer’s market.
- Pick a money talk goal in advance. The right goal presents a neutral objective or joint problem you’d like to solve together. Do not focus on your partner’s money problems that you think they should fix.
- Be a human! Start the conversation off with warmth, or even a small joke to release pressure. You’re a team!
- Phrase things simply and plainly. You want to word the goal of the conversation clearly and directly so that your partner isn’t confused. Confusion creates tension.
- Don’t be afraid to ask about each other’s money values. These form the basis of all of our spending and saving habits and can shed light on your partner’s financial choices. Whether this is the goal of your conversation or not, consider exploring your and your partner’s money values at some point.
Ready to have the big money chat?
Take a deep breath and keep reading for step-by-step guidance, examples of money talk goals and suggested phrasing for when you and your partner finally sit down for “the talk.”
Table of Contents
Why Talking About Money Matters
You and your partner make money choices every day, even when you don’t talk about them.
And, not to state the obvious, but those choices impact you, both in the short and long term.
In marriage and long-term relationships, there is no sharp division between finances and partners.
What affects one affects the other.
If your partner has crushing debt and money problems, chances are, it’s going to limit or shape your options down the line.
Has your partner given consideration to this? Do they have a plan in place? Could you create one together?
Having frank conversations about money opens up possibilities and solutions.
It only empowers you both to clarify your needs, values, concerns and goals for the future.
Read Next: Money Imbalance in Relationships: 9 Tips to Handle It
Understanding the Impact on Your Relationship
It may feel uncomfortable to talk about because it’s not exactly romantic stuff, but money should not be treated like a taboo subject.
That’s how assumptions are made and resentments build.
Full transparency, on the other hand, builds trust.
Being informed allows you to sidestep money problems that might come about from lack of awareness or diligence.
If your partner is spending like there’s no tomorrow and it makes you uncomfortable, but neither of you has addressed it?
The worry can tax your connection…eventually.
What could have been helped by a conversation to clue your partner in about your feelings is now turning into a runaway train.
Reducing Financial Stress Together
Research shows that talking about money regularly actually makes couples less anxious and generally improves their sense of wellbeing.
It makes sense because suddenly you have two people sharing and working on the same problems, and everything feels more manageable.
Financial stress feels heavy because you believe you carry the burden alone.
But when you bring your partner in, the weight spreads out.
If you’re the person who feels like you’re carrying the financial or mental load (of worrying about money), then a conversation about finances is crucial for your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Money talks help you:
- Bring to your partner’s awareness what financial concerns are on your mind
- Understand why and how your partner chooses to spend and save money (which—you never know—may surprise you)
- Set clear expectations that both partners may have about saving and spending
- Respect different money values
- Make joint decisions with less conflict
How to Talk to Your Partner About Money: A Stress-Free Guide
Dreading the awkwardness?
Don’t worry—before you talk about money, a little prep can make it easier.
Here are the steps to set up a money chat with your partner that will feel smooth and natural, with as few hiccups and awkward moments as possible.
1. Schedule It
Spur-of-the-moment inquiries about big topics like money can make your partner feel put on the spot—and defensive.
Let them know in advance that you want to have a stress-free tête a tête about finances.
If they seem apprehensive, you can let them know that it’s important to you to hear their perspective, and that you truly believe it will strengthen your relationship to be on the same page.
Approaching with love and calmness can help reduce anxiety and set positive expectations for the talk.
2. Choose the Right Time and Setting
Imagine trying to talk about your financial concerns while one of you rushes out the door.
That scenario invites frustration and almost guarantees that no one is properly listening.
Pick a quiet time when you both feel focused and not overstimulated from the events of the day.
The spot you choose should be calm, comfortable and private, so that you won’t feel hurried or overheard.
Home is usually best because you can control the environment and prevent distractions and disturbances.
Helpful tips:
- Choose a time with no pressing plans right after.
- Sit side by side, not across from each other, if possible.
- Silence phones to keep attention on each other.
3. Give Your Money Talk a Solid Goal
If you talk about money without a goal, the conversation could become scattered and unproductive.
Or wander into emotional topics.
When you sit down with your partner to chat, have a goal in mind and be sure to say what it is, out loud, at the start.
This will act like a road map for the conversation and help keep you on track.
4. Pick the Right Goal
When you’re bringing up money, the best money talk goal will be about you and your financial questions or aims—not about fixing some flaw in your partner.
Let’s say you share household expenses and a bank account, but your partner spends money like water.
You may want your partner to rein in their spending, but that’s not the goal to propose.
Try addressing a big-picture goal instead—maybe to save more money so you both have a financial cushion for unexpected expenses.
Framing the conversation in a way that focuses on your own objectives avoids spotlighting your partner’s spending habits and making it seem like you’re just there to scold them.
Saving and spending tendencies will likely come up for each of you, but more naturally—and neutrally—in the conversation.
Bottom line: avoid starting the conversation with “You spend too much money.”
Instead, talk about your goal to save money and what you’re planning to do to make it happen.
It makes it easier to discuss cutting down on expenditures without making your partner feel singled out.
5. State the Goal Simply and Clearly
Think about how you’re going to phrase the goal of your money talk in advance.
You’re going to want to state it clearly and simply as to not overwhelm or confuse your partner.
Remember, they might be a little nervous to talk about money, so it’s up to you to speak plainly to help move the conversation forward.
Here are some money talk goal examples and suggested phrasing that you can play around with and rephrase as needed:
- Goal 1: Clarifying the future – “I realized that we’ve never talked about our goals for the future, and I’d really like to hear yours—but first I thought I’d share mine. In the next 10-15 years, here’s where I see myself and here are my financial plans to get there…”
- Goal 2: Talking about debt – “I’ve heard undisclosed debt can be a source of arguing in relationships, and I don’t want that to happen to us. For the sake of transparency, I thought I’d just lay it all out on the table—here are my debts and how I plan to reduce them. Can I ask if you have debts, and have you given any thought to tackling them? We can work on a plan together.”
- Goal 3: Saving for a specific purpose – “I’ve always wanted to go to Europe with you, but it always feels out of reach. How do we plan for a vacation this year, and what can we live without in order to save up for it?”
- Goal 4: Identifying money values – “This feels kind of weird to talk about, but I’m really interested in getting to know each other’s financial values. Since I brought it up, it’s only fair that I go first—I really value [state what you value or your relationship with money]. I usually prefer to [save or spend] when I have money because it tends to be [scarce, never an issue, etc]…”
- Goal 5: Dividing up bills and shared expenses (in a long-term relationship) – “Every month we scramble to figure out who paid what bill, and it stresses me out. Let’s talk about who will pay which bill each month so that we can feel more relaxed and prepared.”
- Goal 6: Building an emergency fund – “I don’t want to be caught without a safety net. Can we talk about what it will take to create an emergency fund over the next three to six months?”
6. Clearing Away the Weird Vibes
When it’s time to talk, you can help put your partner (and yourself) more at ease.
Introducing the conversation with warmth and a smile, maybe even holding your partner’s hand, can do a lot to release tension.
You may even poke a bit of fun at the seriousness: “Not to make things awkward or anything…”
You want to have the right balance between the gravity of the conversation and feelings of mutual support and appreciation.
The conversation doesn’t have to be stuffy—remember, it’s just you and your partner.
Not a job interview.
Exploring Each Other’s Money Mindset and Values
At some point, consider diving into each other’s money values some quiet night after dinner.
It can really give you insight into the what’s and why’s of your partner’s money habits.
Our financial values shape how we spend, save and feel about money in general.
Let’s say your partner loves luxury goods but will only buy them at a discount. You find out that they were raised to be financially strict and buying things full-price feels too indulgent to them due to their parents’ impact.
Meanwhile, you don’t care for expensive luxury goods, but you’ll splurge on good food, bath bombs and skincare treatments.
You help your partner realize that these are not thoughtless purchases—rather, you value in-the-moment experiences, and these small indulgences are mini goals that keep you going throughout the week.
Understanding your partner’s money choices—as well as your own—can be a revelation for you both.
Learning Each Other’s Financial Values: Questions to Ask
Our money values develop from a variety of places.
Our parents’ financial decisions, social and economic pressures we face as adults, and even to some extent genetic traits all play their roles.
Think about these influences as you formulate questions to ask each other.
Here are some questions to get you started:
- What feelings do you get when you talk about money and finances—do you feel anxious, optimistic, etc.?
- Would you say you avoid thinking about money? Or maybe you do the opposite and plan for every penny?
- Do you stick to a budget or use money more intuitively?
- Would you rather buy tickets to a concert this weekend or save for a roof repair on the home you own (or hypothetically own)?
- Say you got a big inheritance. What would you do with it?
- What did your parents spend money on, and what was considered overly indulgent to spend money on?
- How was money talked about in your childhood home—positively or negatively?
- What makes you feel relaxed and secure about money? (E.g., being free from debt, having extra money to spend, having multiple income streams, etc.)
- What makes you worry?
- Do your friends tend to spend or save money? Do you feel this influences your choices?
Suspending Judgment
When digging into your partner’s financial values, make sure they know you’re not judging them.
This goes for any money talk, really.
Be patient and let them talk without interrupting or making critical comments, even if their values differ from yours.
The purpose of the conversation is to share with each other, not fundamentally change one another.
Accepting that you’re both going to have financial differences—whether they’re different values, income or amounts of debt—is part of a healthy, supportive relationship.
Setting Shared Financial Goals and Plans
Want to work together with your partner towards a certain goal?
Having shared financial goals can be great for strengthening your commitment, trust and sense of harmony.
Spell out your financial goals in plain terms, with dates and dollar amounts.
In fact, this can be a fun activity for you as a couple.
Maybe you set a goal to save for a cruise around the Bahamas.
It can be something fun and carefree, but the important thing is to pick something that feels appropriate, and that you can agree on together.
Decide how much you (each) need to save and when your target date is for the goal.
Write it down or type it out and send it to your partner’s email so you both have it and can keep it to refer to.
It’ll be good motivation, and it might even make you both smile.
When to Talk About Money With Your Partner
Basically, when you feel something needs to be talked about.
There’s no wrong time to talk to your partner about money.
However, there’s a caveat.
The type of money conversation should probably match where you’re at in your relationship.
You might find it interesting to trade money values in the first three months of your relationship, but you’re probably jumping the gun if you want to map out a whole financial plan complete with shared goals at that point.
But you also don’t want to wait until you’re married to even crack open the conversation about how to split bills and what kind of debt you’re both carrying.
Use your best judgment.
If you have a level of commitment between you and see a future together, then discussing the nitty-gritty financial topics, including debt, expenses and financial goals, is critical.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can we address our financial differences without creating conflict?
Pick a quiet night when no bills are in sight and nobody’s rushing.
Try naming the difference without blaming.
So no “you always” and “you never” language.
Emphasize shared goals and any shared values you might have as well. Not who’s right.
Approach finances like a team effort, not a personality flaw.
It’s hard, but hashing out financial differences is going to build understanding between you that you can use to find a compromise.
What are some respectful ways to approach money conversations before tying the knot?
Early talks work best when you lead with curiosity.
Ask about habits, goals or worries—don’t jump straight into numbers.
Frame your questions like an exploration of your partner’s perspective.
In a partnership, how can you fairly manage a financial imbalance?
When you have a money imbalance—say one person earns more and it stresses you both out—you can help manage it by acknowledging that “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal.”
Many folks automatically think “50/50” when they think of fair financial management in terms of both partners contributing to expenses.
But this can be unobtainable or very stressful on the partner earning less, and comparatively easy for the partner earning more.
You might split costs by percentage or divvy up bills based on comfort or income.
Talk about what feels supportive. There are no hard and fast rules.
Recommended Reading: Money Imbalance in Relationships: 9 Tips to Handle It
What are some strategies for discussing money matters with my boyfriend?
Pick a time when you’re already feeling connected—maybe after a walk or a meal.
Lead with your feelings, not what he “should” do.
Say what you hope for, then pause to listen.
That back-and-forth keeps the talk from turning into a lecture or a list of demands.
At what stage in our relationship should we begin to talk about finances?
If you’re planning big trips, moving in or sharing bills, it’s time.
Waiting too long invites assumptions to be made by both parties that can come back to bite you both.
Start small and build from there.
Short talks now can save a lot of arguments down the road.
How can I tactfully ask my husband for financial contributions via text?
Texts are tricky.
They really work best when they sound calm and clear.
On the other hand, a lot of nuance, including tone and body language, gets lost over text.
If you want to text your husband, try to keep it relatively short and simple.
Just state the need, the amount and the reason.
Specifics are key so that your husband understands what the financial contribution is going towards.
For example, you could say, “Can you send $200 today for the electric bill? If we pay it now, we can stay on track this month.”
This way, you keep things direct but not pushy.
You know your spouse best, however—your text may vary based on his idiosyncrasies.
