What Does It Mean to Be Defensive in a Relationship? 20+ Examples

If your partner has called you defensive, chances are, you’ve been reactionary in the past.

But exactly what does it mean to be defensive in a relationship?

This article is going to identify:

• What it means to be defensive with your partner
• Examples of defensive behavior and communication
• Signs you’re becoming defensive
• How to stop reacting automatically
• How to help yourself stop feeling defensive
• What to do when your partner gets defensive

If you’re ready to end the hot potato game of blaming each other and getting defensive, keep reading.

What Does It Mean to Be Defensive in a Relationship?

To be defensive in a relationship is to deflect.

Your partner says something to you and you reflexively answer in a way that communicates that this is not your fault or responsibility.

The reason for this is that what you’ve heard under your partner’s words is that you’re not living up to expectations.

Your defensive reaction is an emotional response to feeling inadequate.

It’s launched out of self-preservation, which is by nature one-sided.

You’re not really listening to what’s being said—you’re looking for a way to prove that you’re actually misunderstood.

Read Next: Why Am I So Defensive in My Relationship?

Examples of Defensive Behavior

Being defensive in your relationship looks like:

• Giving an exasperated sigh when your partner asks you to stop leaving your dirty socks on the floor.
• Responding, “Why is it always me who has to solve every problem?” when your significant other is expressing panic or alarm in a SNAFU situation like a power-out or losing the house keys.
• Pointing out the other person’s mess-up or flaws.
• Retelling the story of what really happened from your perspective, especially without acknowledging your partner’s own perspective.
• Going quiet and refusing to participate in the conversation anymore.
• Downplaying the situation or telling your partner that their reaction is unwarranted.
• Taking all the blame, but in a way that makes you a martyr for every wrong that’s ever been committed in the relationship.
• Shifting the conversation to another subject entirely, especially one that focuses on your partner wronging you.
• Digging way back into the past for a sin your partner committed that you haven’t let go of.
• Spending ten minutes over-explaining your point of view.
• Finding one small error in what your partner said to focus on instead of the main thrust of the argument.

Examples of Defensive Communication

The following are examples of when someone is being defensive with you.

• Rewriting the script: “That’s not what I said/you said.” “That’s not what happened.”
• Invalidating your feelings: “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re too sensitive.”
• Refusing accountability: “It’s not my fault.” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “But I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
• Not quite apologizing: “I’m sorry, but…”
• Defending their character: “That’s just the way I am.” “If you don’t like me, why did you marry me/date me?”
• Attacking your character:“You’re not perfect, either, you know.” 
• Playing the victim: “I guess I’m not perfect.” “You don’t care about my feelings.” “Why is it always my fault?”
• Reacting as if you’re attacking them: “Why are you yelling at me?” “You’re just being mean.” “You’re always criticizing me.” 
• Using hyperbolic language: “You always…” “You never…”
• Blame-shifting: “Me? What about you?” “You do that, too.” “What am I supposed to do?” 
• Gaslighting: “You have a bad memory.” “I think your parents/family/friends would agree with me (that you’re wrong.)”
• Walking away from your partner/stonewalling them.

How Defensiveness Destroys Relationships

Being defensive destroys your relationship because it prioritizes your need to be right over the health of your connection.

It’s a fear that your partner is going to win instead of a recognition that they have their own (completely legitimate) view and experience of reality.

And in that reality, your actions affect them.

In the long run, defensiveness serves no one.

Here is how that constant guarding eventually erodes the foundation of your life together.

It Only Breeds More Defensiveness

Very often, one partner’s defensiveness sets off the other’s defensive response system.

Kind of like this:

Person A: “I noticed the trash is overflowing again.” 

Person B: “Why is that only my job? I’ve been on back-to-back calls all day and you’ve been here.” 

Person A: “Well, I’ve been juggling the kids and dinner—you’ve gotten to sit in an office all day. Why can’t you just do it without being asked?”

Instead of solving problems quickly and efficiently, the couple keep taking the bait, and on and on it goes.

This is a major trap for many relationships.

It Stops Honest Conversations

When your partner knows that bringing up a concern will lead to a three-hour debate or a cold shoulder, they eventually just stop talking. 

This isn’t peace.

It’s a deafening silence.

Partners become too tired to fight anymore, and the silence becomes a real disconnect that leads to loneliness for both of you.

It Breeds Resentment

Being a super defensive person puts your partner on the opposite side—not on your side.

You might be fighting for their recognition, or so you believe.

But you’re really just fighting against each other.

This creates resentment.

You stop hearing one another. 

You can’t feel each other’s pain because that would mean losing the battle for who has been the most wronged or offended.

When this happens—when your relationship becomes starved of empathy and kindness—it can lead to breakups and animosity.

Conflict Is Never-Ending

Defensiveness doesn’t just turn a conversation into an argument.

It perpetuates the same exact arguments you’ve been having for months. Or years.

Without the ability to hear feedback and adjust, it’s impossible to resolve a conflict.

So it keeps resurfacing, driving you both crazy.

While a defensive response feels like you’re protecting yourself, all it’s done is prevented any actual learning or healing from taking place.

The Dreaded Eggshell Walking

When one partner is especially defensive, it sucks the air out of a room.

The other partner feels like they’re walking on eggshells, trying not to upset their easily offended partner.

Both partners likely miss out on fun times together, and they instead end up living in a state of low-grade anxiety.

11 Signs You’re Getting Defensive

You’re Get Angry or Upset

Your emotions will give you away.

If you’re having immediate feelings of anger, frustration or upset at something your partner said, your body is getting into defense mode.

Your Body Responds

Your body gives you away.

Feeling your muscles tighten, your heart start pounding and getting hot and sweaty are all ways that your body might signal a defensive reaction coming on. 

You Feel Criticized

It seems like you’re being accused of something, even if your partner isn’t doing it directly.

Your emotions take the front seat and you just want to protect yourself.

And when you feel like you’re being criticized, it gets very hard to remain objective.

You’re Speaking Less Than Kindly

Maybe you’re speaking with an irritated tone, or you’re just not watching your words very carefully.

You may not realize you’re responding defensively.

But talking to your partner in a way that lacks kindness or patience is an indication.

You’re Waiting for Your Turn to Talk

Pause for a minute.

Are you actually hearing your partner?

If you’re just thinking ahead to your next response, you’re throwing up a barricade instead of having a genuine dialogue.

The Conversation Is One-Sided

You’re so deep into explaining your side of the story that there’s no room for your partner to share theirs.

The conversation should be equal, which means equal talking and equal listening.

You’re Not Asking for Your Partner’s Perspective

Asking questions that get to the truth of your partner’s experience shows concern for their lived reality.

A defensive reaction seeks to validate your own experience, not your partner’s.

You’re Trying to Level the Playing Field

If you feel the need to point out how your partner is also wrong, you’re being defensive. 

It’s not about who is wrong and who is right.

If your partner has a complaint, then the focus of the moment is that complaint—not the ways in which they’ve done the exact same thing to you in the past.

All the Rebuttals

You keep saying “Yes, but—”

Trying to assert why something wasn’t your fault or justify it instead of accepting how your actions affected your partner is classic defensiveness.

If you’re denying your partner’s perspective or experience entirely, it’s gaslighting.

You’re Feeling Sulky

Trying to make your partner see how they’ve hurt you, too, is avoiding responsibility.

Yes, you may feel upset, too—but it doesn’t erase culpability.

You’re Giving the Cold Shoulder

Cutting the interaction off with your partner to retain control happens out of a false sense of self-preservation.

It blocks a resolution from being found, which further perpetuates the argument.

How to Stop Being Defensive in a Relationship

If you don’t want your defensiveness to control you, there’s good news: you can change it.

Take these actions to end the cycle and begin responding more gently and lovingly:

1. Be in Your Body – As soon as you notice the physical symptoms of becoming defensive—racing heart, knot in your stomach, etc.—take a few slow, deep breaths from your belly to stimulate your vagus nerve. Research shows that stimulating your vagus nerve not only calms you, but can actually change your brain over time.
2. Ask for More Information – When that little voice gets in your head and you feel criticized, take the position of the investigator. Ask questions for clarification about what your partner is saying. You can also repeat back what you heard in your own words. Communicating effectively means listening and learning.
3. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Reality – Trying to force your partner to see your side of things will not make the issue go away. At a separate time, you can discuss an issue of your own. But you’ll never get a chance if you don’t allow your partner to feel heard, so set aside your gripes for the moment and tell your partner how you see what they’re saying/feeling.
4. What’s the Real Issue? – One of the most powerful defensiveness diffusers is acknowledging what’s really going on. Underneath the surface, you’re feeling attacked because you didn’t get that job done around the house that your spouse asked you to do. Or you’re afraid of what it means if you’re wrong. Whatever it is, identify the real reason you’re reacting and you’ll have an easier time not seeing your spouse as the enemy.
5. Meditate – Adding meditation to your daily routine, even for five minutes, can make a huge difference in your overall patience and mental state all day.

How to Stop Feeling Defensive

Stopping yourself from reacting defensively is one thing.

Actually stopping feeling defensive is another.

The only way to really do this is to stop the thoughts that affirm the defensive feelings.

When an old familiar thought pattern bubbles up directing you to focus on how your partner is coming down on you, take a cue from the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and challenge yourself to question it. 

Ask yourself if these thoughts are really about what you’re feeling they’re about.

Your feelings are connected to your thoughts—this is why the way you think influences the way you feel.

If you can stop a thought, you can stop a feeling.

So to stop feeling defensive, you need to cut the thoughts off that reinforce the feelings.

Let them go, like a balloon floating away.

This will take effort.

Keep trying.

With diligence and practice, you can train yourself into having better control of your own thoughts, and thus, better control of your feelings.

How to Deal With a Partner Who Is Defensive?

If your partner is defensive, you’ll need to work hard not to engage in the defensiveness when it happens.

If your partner starts turning things around on you, playing tit-for-tat or using denial tactics to deflect, shut it down by remaining calm.

Lovingly stand your ground and point out the way in which your partner’s deflection is not attending to the issue at hand.

State what you need and ask how you can find a solution together.

Emphasize working as a team.

If your defensive partner deals you a low blow, express how this makes you feel while coming back to dealing with the issue at hand.

If they say they’re hurt, too, assure them that it’s important to you to address that—at a separate time, because right now you’re dealing with this other thing.

The goal is to give your partner some acknowledgment, but keep the attention on the original topic you’re addressing.

If your partner is not responding to this, then it may be time to enlist some outside help from a couples’ therapist to help you better communicate.

Final Thoughts

Defensiveness in a relationship can be difficult to fully identify.

You may know when your partner is getting defensive, but not when you’re responding in kind.

Or, you may not be sure what defensiveness really looks like.

Getting to know the signs of defensiveness will help you take the next step to stopping the defensive responses.

And ultimately, maybe even stopping feeling that way altogether.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your significant other to change overnight.

Slowly, with patience and continued effort, you can begin to make real changes that will improve your relationship satisfaction and the quality of your communication.

FAQ

How do you talk to someone who interprets everything as an attack?

It’s hard, but trying to be as understanding as you can helps.

There’s a reason beneath the defensive person’s interpretation of normal conversation as an attack, and it’s generally about them, not you.

Finding the right time to talk to someone who is like this is key—don’t force an issue when they’re acting like they’ve got their back up against a wall.

If you can never seem to get through, consider relationship counseling with a focus on non-defensive communication.

You might be with someone who needs extra help releasing their fears enough to hear what you’re saying.

Is being defensive a red flag?

Anyone can be defensive at times, so it’s not in and of itself a red flag.

If, however, someone is constantly defensive and it’s impacting you mentally and emotionally, it could be something to take to a professional therapist for help.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a red flag.

It’s a defensive behavior, but it’s one that really oversteps by refuting your experiences and warping your self-confidence.

When someone gets defensive are they guilty?

This is a tricky one because often, getting defensive is a first response when someone is hiding something.

But just because they’re defensive doesn’t mean they’re guilty of something, necessarily.

Sometimes people get defensive when they feel accused, even though they haven’t actually done anything.

Is defensiveness a reason to break up?

This is not something anyone can answer for you.

If you feel your partner is not going to change and work on their defensive reflexes, then you have to decide for yourself whether that’s something you can live with.

Some people are defensive and they never stop having those responses, even if they can lessen them.

Consider whether you’ve really worked on it together as a starting point.

If not, then you may want to make sure you’re giving it a solid chance to get better—with active work—before calling it quits.