Separation is supposed to be temporary. If you don’t have a plan, make one—fast.
Here’s how to get your wife back after a separation:
- Rule out dating other people
- Identify your goals, communicate them and work hard on them
- Respect your wife’s need for alone time
- Set a time and place to meet and talk
- Don’t stop bettering yourself—your wife will take notice
The truth is, most separations are training wheels for divorce. They are inherently risky.
If you don’t want to take chances, I highly recommend using the psychology hacks that rebuild your marriage by taking divorce out of the equation in Save The Marriage.
Click the link above now, or read on to learn how to put your separation in reverse.
Table of Contents
Do separations work? (Not usually!)
How many folks do you know who separated and then got divorced?
Now how many got back together—and stayed together?
I bet I know the answer.
So why don’t separations work? Surely it’s sensible for two people to take a step back from their troubled marriage to gain some perspective?
Well, the problem is, when you separate, you’re physically removing your spouse from your life. That “perspective” you think you’re gaining is really permission to “try out” living like a single person.
It’s also a get-out-of-marriage-problems-free card.
Can you see where this is going?
In reality, separation helps people with one foot out the door shut it completely. At best, it’s a whole lot of temptation for spouses who are mentally and emotionally exhausted from struggling with their marital woes.
And remember—separation does not make the problems disappear. They’ll still be there to work on should you decide to stay together.
Read also: How to Reconnect With Your Wife
So what can you do?
Now, what you really need to know is—is there any hope?
Rest assured, there is. But you need to reframe the separation ASAP so it’s no longer a trial divorce, but an exercise with clearly communicated goals, boundaries and dare I say, rules.
Because in marriage, there are rules. It’s generally against the rules to cheat, is it not?
Your separation should be following rules, too.
Bear in mind, it’s not about dictating to your wife what she can and can’t do. That will surely push her further away.
But if you communicate your own boundaries and expectations to her, you put limits on the separation.
Limits your wife must consciously choose to respect—or break—as you both still have a responsibility to your marriage.
And you still get to leave the ball in her court.
It’s much more effective than begging her, which I explain in My Wife Wants a Divorce. How Can I Change Her Mind?
Or worse, remaining completely voiceless and invisible.
Let’s talk about the steps you should take now to accomplish this.
How to get your wife back after a separation
Ask her not to date anyone
If you’ve been separated from your wife for a little while now and never set this boundary, you should do it now.
Often, separations tend to be pretty ambiguous in terms of “rules of engagement.”
Don’t make that mistake.
Ask your wife to be open with you about this—which most women will if you ask them.
When you ask your wife not to see other people, you plant the seed in her mind that dating is not OK behavior with you.
In effect, it encourages her to think about the consequences of her actions should she consider dipping a toe in the dating water.
Again, no need to try to enforce this “rule,” which is counterproductive and over the top.
You can simply state that this is your wish and that you will do the same for her.
Talk about the goal of the separation
What do you want to accomplish with this separation?
Obvious as it may seem, if you want to stay married, that’s a goal you need to define.
Do you want to heal certain wounds, solve specific problems?
Do you want to build a stronger relationship?
If you want to acquire the skills to do that, first of all, I encourage you to take advantage of the Save The Marriage program while you’re separated.
But don’t keep your goal to yourself.
You need to share it with your wife, even if she’s saying she doesn’t know what she wants.
Be the anchor.
Explaining a tangible goal will show your wife that you’re taking this separation seriously and that she can expect to see improvements from it.
Tell her you’re going to give her the time she needs
Assure your wife that you are supportive of her decision to separate or remain separated for a time if that’s what she wants.
After all, you are not her keeper. You are her loving husband.
Make sure she knows that you are happy to give her the space she needs on her terms.
Acknowledge that this is meant to be a time of healing for both of you.
If you’re going to explore what it means to be separated, you should approach it with respect for the process and desired outcomes.
Set a time to reconnect
Ideally, you’ll have some sort of time frame for the separation. In a perfect world, you can both agree to a certain time limit.
But if your wife isn’t ready to do that, you can at least pick a time to meet up and discuss where you’re both at.
To talk about progress you’ve made and what you both need now.
Mind you, this meetup needs to be in the flesh.
Don’t do it over the phone—your wife needs to be looking you in the eye when making life-changing decisions about your marriage.
Not to mention, she is far more likely to work with you on things if you’re physically together.
It’s all too easy to push someone aside when they’re out of sight, out of mind.
Look at it this way: You don’t her to make that mistake.
So make sure you plan to meet in person.
Don’t bug her during No Contact Time
Often, but not always, separations will come with some form of No Contact period.
If your wife requested to have her space, give it to her.
If you’ve set a time to meet again and you’ve communicated the goals you’re working toward, you are on the right path.
Now it’s time to respect your wife’s boundaries.
There is, however, something else to mention here.
You don’t want to lose contact entirely with your wife if you can help it.
If you have kids together, pets or other mutual responsibilities, it’s probably not realistic to think you can have radio silence between you anyway.
Agree on what’s OK to contact each other about, and stick to that.
Don’t use it as an excuse to text her all the time and try to get information on what she’s up to.
Take your own “me time” seriously
Maybe you don’t have a choice about being separated.
But, while you’re spending time apart, you do have the choice to make the most of it and get to a place where your wife will want to come back to you.
That takes focusing on yourself.
Yes, work on the issues you set out to work on.
Make the self-improvements you know your wife wants to see.
But also, just take care of yourself in general.
Treat yourself well. Exercise and don’t binge drink.
It will give you confidence in yourself that will shine through when your wife sees you again.
Don’t underestimate how persuasive self-care can be.
Be wary of empty apologies
To apologize or not to apologize.
That is the question.
Well, on the one hand, you want to make sure your wife knows you regret hurting her and want to atone.
On the other hand, throwing out sorries like they’re a dime a dozen is an empty gesture.
What are you sorry about?
If you apologize, apologize for something specific, and time your apology wisely.
Don’t just say you’re sorry when your wife is mad.
She knows you want to get on her good side.
Instead, give your apologies a lot more power and the sincerity your wife deserves by saving them for when they really mean something.
Use psychology to bring your wife back into your arms
Everything you do has an effect on your wife on a deep, subconscious level.
Whether you mean for that to happen or not.
This is the power of psychology, and why you can’t ignore it if you want your wife to want to come back and love you unconditionally.
There are no tricks that will work.
Your strategy must be based on the actual way your wife’s mind works—and yours, too.
That’s why we recommend the Save The Marriage program.
It’s not just a bunch of steps you have to hope you got right or else it won’t work.
You know that “teach a man to fish” saying?
This program will teach you how to save your marriage by giving you the tools you need to make it happy, healthy and—here’s the big thing—DIVORCE-PROOF today, tomorrow, forever.