How to Win Your Wife Back (8 Things You Should Be Doing)

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Whether your wife is talking separation or you’ve lost your loving connection, you need to know how to win your wife back before it’s too late.

Here’s the short answer:

  • Ask her what you should do to win her back
  • Make a safe environment to communicate and connect
  • Set goals and time frames to make real changes
  • Work on your attraction factor
  • Know how much space to give your wife

Before you read further, you should know that winning your wife back is NOT the same as fixing your marriage. She won’t stay—even if she loves you—if the marriage is broken.

To divorce-proof your marriage, we recommend using a proven method like Dr. Lee Baucom’s Save The Marriage—as soon as possible.

Click the link above to check it out, or read on to learn how to get your wife back.

How to Win Your Wife Back

1. Ask your wife what she needs to come back

wife talking seriously to her husband on a couch with a quote about being direct in your marriage

You know that things aren’t right between you and your wife anymore.

But do you know why?

To get her back, you absolutely must find out what’s wrong in the first place.

Now, you may be considering asking friends and family since your wife likely leans on them for support.

BUT you should be careful not to invade your wife’s privacy and invite outsiders into your marriage problems.

The safest route is to simply ask your wife.

In fact, she might really appreciate it. Your directness will allow her to be direct too if she doesn’t know how.

Also, asking what she needs will show that you truly want to make her life better.

Read next: How Do I Know If My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore?

2. Change your habits

What are the deal breakers for your wife? Are they in your power to change?

Some bigger life events may be out of your control, but you can change your habits.

Our habits are not us, and in marriage, many times we get too comfortable in them.

Habits like having one too many drinks in the evening. 

Playing video games over spending time with the family.

Being inattentive, unromantic or cold toward your wife.

I’m not saying that quitting drinking and trying to shower your wife with gifts and attention is going to make her come running back into your arms.

It’s a long game, and it will take time.

But you have to start somewhere, one step at a time.

3. Make her feel safe talking to you

black and white photo of a couple ignoring each other with a quote about telling your wife you care about her feelings

Maybe your wife hasn’t been sharing what’s been going on with her for a long time.

If so, that has worked against you, pulling her further and further away.

Here are some things she might be afraid of if she opens up:

  • Making you upset or angry
  • Being labeled as overly dramatic
  • Being misunderstood
  • Not being taken seriously
  • Being gaslit
  • Being ignored
  • You not caring
  • Starting a fight

Try telling your wife that she can talk to you.

That you want to hear what’s on her mind and how she’s feeling—and that it’s important to you.

You need to let her know that you value her feelings, and by association, her as a person.

4. Ask for a time frame to change things

If your wife is on her way out the door, it’s worth asking her to wait for a specific amount of time for you to start turning things around.

Why a specific amount of time?

Because it won’t feel like a promise trap where things won’t ever change.

But also, you’re less likely to back-burner your marriage and let the divide between you and your wife grow bigger and stronger.

If you’re concerned there’s already too much negative momentum in your relationship, you can reverse it with the “Upward Cycle” technique in Save The Marriage.

Bottom line, your wife cares deeply for you and will most likely happily comply with a request for time.

The key is to set realistic realistic goals and time frames. 

Your wife doesn’t expect everything to be fixed like magic in three weeks’ time.

5. Be neither clingy nor distant

husband kissing wife on the forehead with a quote about winning your wife back

You don’t want to make the mistake of smothering her.

At the same time, you need to remain a continuous presence in her life.

If you’re not divorced, you are still her husband, and you want to remain a husband in her eyes.

Hell—even if you are divorced, you don’t want her to lose that association with you completely.

Remember that giving space is OK.

But if you create so much that you fall off the face of the earth, psychologically, your wife is probably going to feel like a single woman.

And single women can find other single men to date.

After all, you want to know how to win your wife back, not give her more divorce incentive.

6. Work on your attraction factor

It may seem like a minor thing.

But taking care of your appearance shows that you still care enough to put in the effort.

That is not just valuable for your wife’s sexual attraction to you.

Which, let’s be real, can definitely go up if you’re getting into shape and getting out of the holey shirts you’ve worn for years.

But also, it actually translates to love and caring to her. Even if she says it’s not that important.

The truth is, it may be more important than you and your wife realize.

Think about it—attraction doesn’t end at marriage. It’s ongoing.

If you would put the effort into a date as a single man, you should put the effort in for your wife.

7. Level with her

wife with her head on husband's shoulder and a quote about creating an emotional connection in your married life

Does your wife know how you feel?

Have you told her in words?

Staying silent is not the right move here.

In general, women need communication to feel the emotional connection with you.

Just as in a happy marriage a wife needs to hear her husband say he loves and cherishes her, your wife needs you to let her into your emotions.

Most likely, the way you feel is also the way she feels, at least some of the time.

Let her know how the disconnection or loss of her affects you. 

Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns about divorce.

And never underestimate the value of verbalizing your feelings to your wife.

8. Make winning your wife back your priority

You probably won’t get your wife back if you’re always working and thinking about work.

If you have kids, ask family members or friends to help out while you and your wife get through these difficult times.

Right now, you need to make your marriage your priority.

As stressful as that may feel, think of it this way.

How well are you going to be able to focus on work or your family if your wife leaves for good?

Is working late as important as she is in your life?

When you put things into perspective, it becomes a lot easier to start shifting your focus to where it matters most.

Nervous about making a mistake that will cost you your marriage?

I can’t stress enough the importance of getting a practical guide that really works.

It’s why we recommend Save The Marriage—this guide is so powerful that it works even if you’re going it alone. Even if your wife is asking you for a divorce.

Really.

Check out Save The Marriage here.

Marlene Davis is an experienced blogger with a focus on interpersonal relationships. Her dream is to help improve people's lives and relationships through sharing of practical knowledge and evidence-based practices.