If you’re tired of walking on eggshells around a husband who blames you for everything, keep reading.
We’re going to unpack the reasons this is happening and explain what steps to take to stop the blaming and shaming.
Unfortunately, blame games can seep into a marriage and create deep resentment that can break a marriage apart.
If you’re concerned about your marriage lasting, don’t wait—learn how to change the toxic patterns that are hurting your relationship with a program like Dr. Lee Baucom’s Save The Marriage now.
Click the link above, or read on to find out why your husband is so quick to point a finger at you, and what to do about it.
Table of Contents
What Does It Mean When Your Husband Blames You for Everything?
Does your husband blame you for absolutely everything, and you’re not sure why?
Primarily, it means two things:
- Your husband does not feel secure in your relationship, and
- There’s something you desperately need to work on: communication.
Feeling the need to blame you could arise from all sorts of reasons, stemming from personal issues or developing from unresolved problems within your marriage.
Regardless of the reason, it’s damaging to your connection.
Your husband is choosing the blame game rather than talk about what’s really going on, which means you’ll need to talk about some uncomfortable things in order to bring them to light and solve the issues.
But first, it may help to get a clearer understanding of common reasons why spouses resort to blaming.
Why Does My Husband Blame Me for All of His Problems?
There might be multiple reasons why your husband is blaming you for all of his problems.
Here are some common ones.
Stress and anxiety
Life gets stressful for a lot of reasons, including juggling work, health, and family.
If your husband is experiencing excessive stress or anxiety, he might be looking for an outlet to express his frustration.
And unfortunately, it might be directed at you, making your relationship worse.
Unresolved childhood issues
If your husband witnessed a lot of anger and blame while growing up, it might influence his attachment style.
Something like this can make it difficult for him to relate to others and believe it’s normal to blame you, his spouse, for his problems.
Insecurity and low self-esteem
Admitting to being wrong is difficult for people with low self-esteem or insecurity.
They might prefer to blame game as a way to protect their fragile self-image.
Some people have narcissistic-type personalities and find it difficult to consider the feelings and perspectives of others.
If your husband has narcissistic tendencies, he might blame you for his problems in order to maintain control and power dynamics in your relationship.
Bear in mind, a true narcissistic personality disorder is not really something you can reason with and will likely need help from a professional therapist to deal with.
Avoidance of responsibility
Does your spouse blame you when literally anything goes wrong?
If so, he may not believe you’re the at fault so much as he doesn’t want to accept responsibility for his actions.
By blaming you for his problems, your husband avoids accountability and doesn’t have to face the negative consequences, make changes, or issue any apologies.
In some cases, consistently blaming you might be a form of emotional abuse.
This bad behavior might be used to wear you down and make it easier to control or manipulate you.
Sometimes, feeling unappreciated or undervalued can lead to finger-pointing.
Your husband may be reacting defensively (or offensively) because his feelings are not being acknowledged or validated.
Unresolved issues within your relationship can cause resentment, lowering your husband’s tolerance and making it easier to just blame you for problems.
These issues might range from communication difficulties to incompatibility or unfulfilled emotional needs.
Financial stress is a common cause of tension in relationships.
If your husband has taken a pay cut at work or you’re having financial difficulties as a couple, it can cause feelings of inadequacy and loss of control for your husband.
In turn, these bad feelings might motivate him to bring everything you do back to your marriage’s financial troubles, unfairly making it seem like your actions are the reason for your financial troubles.
Problems at work, such as a difficult boss, unmanageable workload, or unsatisfying job, can spill over into your relationship.
Your husband might be unable to express his frustration at work and instead projects it onto you through blame and guilt.
It’s crucial to understand these potential reasons and work together to address them to build a stronger and healthier relationship.
How Do You Get Your Spouse to Stop Blaming You for Everything?
It can be frustrating and hurtful when your spouse constantly blames you for everything.
It’s important to address this issue for the sake of your own well-being and the health of your relationship.
Here are some practical steps to help you navigate this situation.
Recognize the issue
Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step towards finding a solution.
Be honest with yourself about how your spouse’s behavior is affecting your relationship and your emotional well-being.
Communicate with your spouse about how their blaming behavior makes you feel.
Be sure to choose a calm and appropriate time to discuss the issue when both of you are in a non-confrontational mood.
Focus on your feelings rather than turning the blame back around on your spouse to avoid adding fuel to the fire and turning it into a fight.
Discuss specific instances of blame
Don’t attempt to ask your husband why he blames you for everything.
Instead, narrow your focus to specific instances of blame—these will be much more solvable and give you a tangible problem to work on.
In your conversation, ask your husband why he believes you were at fault in a past scenario he blamed you for.
He will likely either admit that he didn’t really believe you were to blame now that his emotions are more tame, or you will create an opportunity to share your perspectives and work toward mutual understanding.
If you need help learning how to approach your husband and lower his defenses, we recommend Dr. Lee Baucom’s method in Save The Marriage.
Shift the focus
Instead of focusing solely on the blame, work together to find solutions to the issues driving it.
When you talk about the root issues and work on fixing them, the blaming will naturally resolve itself.
So there’s no need to focus on the blame itself, and in any case, setting your sights on working as a team to support each other will foster a more cooperative and positive environment for your relationship.
If you haven’t, establish clear boundaries in your relationship.
Let your spouse know that blaming and finger-pointing are not productive or acceptable behaviors.
Encourage him to express his feelings and concerns in a more constructive manner, and make sure your husband understands the consequences for crossing your boundaries.
That is, if he starts to raise his voice, criticize you or disrespect you, let him know you will have to remove yourself from his presence until he can treat you with respect.
Don’t take it personally
It can be hard in the moment, but it’s important to try to remember that you’re not responsible for your husband’s emotions, thoughts, and opinions.
Try not to internalize his criticisms and instead, focus on addressing the root cause of the issue.
This will help you stay calm when tensions rise and avoid getting defensive or arguing back, which will only escalate the situation.
Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and understand the emotions that might be driving their behavior.
This can help you approach the situation with compassion and foster a more constructive and honest conversation.
Because fighting fire with fire in a situation like this—by depriving your husband of your empathy and understanding—will only burn the house down.
Remember that change takes time and effort.
Be patient and give your husband the opportunity to grow and improve his behavior as you work together to build a healthier relationship.
Seek professional help
If the blaming continues, despite your efforts to address it, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
They can provide guidance and support as you navigate this difficult situation.
Note, partners who blame refuse marriage counseling quite often, in which case it might be easiest to start with a program like Save The Marriage to start applying effective techniques to your marriage right away.
How Do You React When Your Spouse Blames You?
When your spouse is blaming you, it’s difficult to know how to react.
You don’t want to make it worse, but you also don’t want to sit there and take it.
So what do you do?
Here are a few guidelines on how to react when your partner blames you:
- Don’t counterattack: Resist the urge to defend yourself and counterattack when your spouse blames you. This will only escalate the situation. As difficult as it may be, try to stay calm, cool and collected.
- Enforce your boundaries: When your partner starts throwing blame around and starts up the same old negative pattern, it’s time to enforce your boundaries. This is the only way to stop the cycle. Let your partner know that you won’t tolerate being spoken to critically and disrespectfully, and then leave the room (calmly and non-confrontationally).
- Develop healthy communication skills: When your partner is ready to talk, have an honest conversation about what happened. Share your feelings and concerns, and encourage them to do the same. Practice active listening and do your best to understand their perspective.
- Identify the trigger: Your partner’s anger may stem from any number of underlying issues like fear, insecurity, or stress. At some point, you will need to determine the source of their anger to address it if you want to prevent future instances of blaming.
Remember, reacting calmly and constructively is crucial when dealing with a partner who blames you for everything.
In the moment, you must reinforce and maintain healthy boundaries, and then when things cool down, communicate openly and address the underlying issues to improve your relationship.
Protecting Your Self-Esteem
Don’t forget to protect your self-esteem, which may take active effort on your part.
Here are a few ways you can help maintain your self-image and emotional health:
- Do things that foster a sense of achievement: When you’re doing something that is only for you and your personal development, you nurture your self-esteem and develop a sense of self-worth that is not dependent on your husband’s opinions. Do something that makes you feel accomplished, whether it’s to advance your career or develop your inner sense of peace through yoga and meditation.
- Remind yourself your husband’s problems are his own: It’s essential to understand that your husband’s behavior may stem from his own insecurities or stress. Keep in mind that his blaming might not be about you, so try not to internalize it.
- Seek support: Turn to friends, family, or possibly a mental health professional to discuss your feelings and experiences. This provides you with an outlet to express your emotions and gain valuable insights.
- Develop coping skills: Find healthy ways to cope with the emotional toll. Some options might be taking a dance class, exercising regularly, practicing mindfulness techniques, and taking up a new hobby.
If your husband makes you feel guilty for everything and wants to pin the blame on you for his problems, you don’t need to take it.
But that doesn’t mean you should react defensively and try to turn the blame back around on him.
The key is to:
- Remember to try not to take it personally
- Enforce your boundaries
- Develop empathy
- Explore the reasons behind the blaming behavior together
Approach it as a team, with a problem to tackle together, and you will support and strengthen your bond rather than turning the situation into a power struggle.
What is it called when your partner blames you for everything?
When your partner constantly blames you for everything, it may be referred to as projection or even gaslighting.
This behavior often stems from an individual’s inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for their own actions, feelings, or shortcomings.
What does blame do to a marriage?
Blame can significantly harm a marriage.
When one partner always blames the other, it can lead to resentment, unhappiness, and a lack of trust.
It may also cause the blamed partner to doubt their self-worth and develop low self-esteem.
My husband blames me for his anger outbursts
If your angry husband blames you for his anger outbursts and it scares you, you may not be able to talk to him about it and express your feelings.
Do not hesitate to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you need help.
If your husband’s anger is not violent and it’s more of an annoyance problem, then encourage your husband to seek professional help.
Anger mismanagement can be detrimental to a marriage and must be addressed.
My husband blames me for his unhappiness
First, understand that your husband’s happiness is ultimately his responsibility.
Although you can be supportive and contribute positively to his happiness, you cannot control how he feels.
What makes a toxic husband?
A toxic husband may exhibit negative behaviors like manipulation, control, jealousy, constant criticism, and blame.
These actions can be symptomatic of deeper issues, like low self-esteem, insecurity, or mental health problems.
It’s crucial to address these behaviors in order to promote a healthy and happy marital relationship.
Why would a husband gaslight his wife?
Gaslighting, which is a form of psychological manipulation, occurs when one person tries to make another question their reality or sanity.
A husband may gaslight his wife for various reasons:
- To gain control over her
- To avoid taking responsibility for his actions
- As a defense mechanism when he feels threatened or insecure
My husband finds fault with everything I do
Constant criticism from a partner can be damaging to your self-esteem.
It’s important to explain how it makes you feel and find ways to communicate more positively and constructively.
And, remember that his behavior may reflect his own insecurities.
If you want to improve things, Dr. Lee Baucom offers relationship coaching techniques every marriage needs to build and maintain a lasting, happy and satisfying relationship in Save The Marriage.
Marlene Davis is an experienced blogger with a focus on interpersonal relationships. Her dream is to help improve people's lives and relationships through sharing of practical knowledge and evidence-based practices.