Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me? (The Real Reasons Why)

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If your husband has stopped being physical with you, it can be hard not to take it personally.

But you’re on the right track if you’re here looking for the reason.

In this article, we’re uncovering major reasons why husbands stop wanting their wives, and explaining simple but effective approaches to resuscitating your sex life.

Here are the key reasons for his disinterest in the bedroom:

  • Loss of emotional connection
  • Physical or mental health issues
  • Stress from work, finances, parenthood or personal life
  • You’ve lost the romance and are now living like roommates
  • Unresolved relationship troubles 
  • Issues with his self image
  • Medication side effects

If you’re worried your husband’s lack of interest in you is a deeper problem in your marriage, don’t wait to do something about it until it’s too late.

We highly recommend picking up Dr. Lee Baucom’s best-selling guide Save The Marriage with a simple step-by-step program to change your relationship dynamics forever.

Click the link above now, or read on to find out what’s stopping your husband.

Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me?

1. Health issues hampering sexual desire

woman sitting looking disappointed on a bed with her husband in the background

You might not realize it, but various health conditions can contribute to a decrease in your husband’s sexual desires.

For instance, low sexual desire can be a result of diabetes.

In some cases, health issues can cause physical pain or make him feel generally unwell, which will understandably reduce his sexual appetite. 

And if there is a mental health issue at play, like depression or an anxiety disorder, that can also mess with your husband’s libido.

Read Next: Why Do Men Change After Marriage?

2. Loss of emotional connection

A broken or taxed emotional connection in the marriage is a common factor in a husband’s lack of sexual interest.

Couples see a decline in emotional intimacy for all kinds of reasons, including busy schedules, lack of quality time together and underlying tensions in the relationship.

You may share less about your lives with each other, further weakening your bond.

If you know this is a problem in your relationship, work on being a good listener for your spouse and prioritize your time together.

Don’t forget to also engage in physical touch and small gestures of affection, such as holding hands and hugging, to rebuild intimacy.

3. Low self-esteem

If you’ve ever struggled with low self-esteem, you can probably sympathize with how it affects your sexual life.

A husband who struggles with self-esteem issues may lack confidence and feel insecure.

People with low self-esteem also tend to engage in negative self-talk, which can make them believe they’re unworthy or unattractive to their partners.

Perhaps your husband looks in the mirror and sees his body changing over time and feels self-conscious. 

He may also suffer from low self-confidence due to missing an expected promotion at work, or struggling to be the perfect dad. 

Whatever it is that’s eating away at him, it’s damaging for your sex life.

4. Work-related stress

frustrated man over a computer

Work stress can carry over to the bedroom.

It’s well-documented that we carry our jobs beyond the threshold of the office door and into our personal lives. 

Your hubby may lie awake at night worrying about job security.

And if he feels like he has too much on his plate, it can take a toll on his mental and emotional health. 

If you both work, he’ll have his own career stress to manage, on top of supporting his significant other’s stress.

Unfortunately, this can lead to a cycle of emotional exhaustion, where both partners are struggling to find the balance between professional responsibilities and the needs of their relationship.

5. Financial stress

Has your family suffered any financial hardships lately?

If cash has been hard to come by, it can take center stage in your husband’s mind, pushing out all other thoughts—including intimate ones.

Financial stress is also a common issue that can have a significant impact on a couple’s relationship.

Take, for example, commonplace disagreements about budgets and spending habits.

Add on mounting credit card debts, school debts and the mortgage, and all of this pressure can easily strain your emotional bond and create feelings of resentment or frustration. 

Which, ultimately, can lead to disconnection, and thus a lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom.

Men also may be so attached to the burden of financial responsibility that when the family has to tighten the purse strings, they take it as a personal failure.

Where money issues take their egos down a notch, their libidos may also fall.

6. Life is hectic and he’s tired and rundown

Life is busy and demanding. 

The daily grind can wear anyone down, and your husband may be feeling that impact in your sexual connection. 

Responsibilities at work, social obligations, duties to his family, fatherhood and personal commitments compete for a man’s time and energy.

And the exhaustion that settles in can manifest both physically and emotionally. 

It’s no wonder that when he gets home, his energy levels might be too low for intimacy. 

Try to be empathetic to his fatigue and the challenges he may be facing.

Maybe you can reorganize duties and schedules to overcome his fatigue and burnout. 

7. You’re living more like roommates than lovers

man on a cellphone ignoring his wife next to him on a bed

One reason your husband may not be as romantically or physically engaged as he once was is the dreaded “roommates” couple dynamic.

This can happen to the best of couples—you get into a routine with each other, the romance dwindles and the intimacy you once shared is replaced by a more practical, functional type of relationship. 

Sometimes roommate-like dynamics arise from unresolved conflicts and anger issues between partners.

But other times, you could be the best of friends—or feel like everything is otherwise fine—except for that missing physical element in your marriage.

Which, of course, is a sign that all is maybe not fine in your relationship.

Unfortunately, over time, an unaffectionate or non-sexual relationship can worsen feelings of isolation and loneliness, feeding back into the cycle of diminishing intimacy.

If you’re not sure how to change your relationship dynamic, try the methods created by marriage therapist Dr. Lee Baucom in his Save The Marriage Program.

8. He doesn’t know how to approach you to initiate sex 

You might consider how comfortable your husband is with initiating physical contact with you.

If you’re thinking to yourself, “But he never had a problem with it before,” things can change.

Perhaps you’ve been a little less patient and understanding as of late, making it difficult for him to know when the right time is to approach you.

Or he worries you’re just not into it anymore.

Consider whether you’ve been sending mixed signals to your husband.

Fear of rejection is very real for men in marriage, and many would rather just avoid the topic of the bedroom entirely than risk overstepping boundaries.

Another factor to consider: what lights your fire may not light your husband’s.

Your husband might be hesitant to initiate because he feels unsure about what turns you on, or is slightly embarrassed about his own turn ons. 

Encouraging open discussions about preferences, sexual desire and fantasies can help get him over this hurdle.

9. Aging

As people grow older, physical changes may make intimacy and sexual experiences different than before.

For one thing, libidos can slow down with age.

The body can become physically wiped out more easily. 

Health issues, hormone changes, weight changes and other body changes can impact someone’s ability to enjoy physical intimacy.

If it’s not as enjoyable as it once was, that can lead to decreased interest in the physical stuff.

Furthermore, aging can bring on changes in self-image.

As we age, we may go through periods of feeling less desirable or attractive, and your husband is also susceptible to this.

10. Relationship issues

woman yelling at a man who looks fed up over a breakfast table

Continuous relationship problems eating away at your marriage can definitely deter your husband sexually.

So can unresolved conflicts and resentments that are left to fester.

Your husband may or may not be conscious of these issues taking away his sexual appetite.

One possible issue feeding this might be difficulties in communication. 

When couples struggle to openly discuss their feelings and concerns, tensions rise and they may become more irritable and distant.

Take a look at what’s going on inside your relationship.

If you know that there are unresolved issues, they may be playing a role in how motivated your husband is to hit the sheets.

Recommended Reading: Signs of Poor Communication in Marriage

11. Feeling emasculated

There are all kinds of reasons husbands may feel emasculated.

In which case, their desire to get frisky with their wives can go down.

Society is constantly telling men what a “real man” looks like and how he should behave. And, as you can probably imagine, it can be a hard ideal to live up to.

You may have nothing to do with it directly.

If he used to be the breadwinner and now you are, if he feels a loss of control in his life or like he’s lost importance in your relationship, he may struggle with that.

There are also external influences, such as overbearing in laws, parents or relatives who can negatively affect the marriage from the outside.

For example, if you always take your parents’ opinions over his and they rule your relationship by the grip of their influence, he could feel pretty “impotent” in your marriage. 

12. Performance anxiety

Many men feel pressured to perform well in bed and please their partners.

And this can create stress and anxiety. 

In fact, if it really gets into their heads, it can lead to erectile dysfunction.

In some cases, husbands might avoid sexual encounters to prevent potential disappointment and embarrassment. 

13. Medication side effects

close up of multi color pills and medications spilling out of a bottle

There are some medications that can subdue sexual functioning and desire.

Antidepressants, for instance, can sometimes be a culprit in making people less interested in a sexual relationship.

Various prescription drugs can cause low sexual desire, reduced sperm count and erectile dysfunction.

So check medications and talk to your doctor if you think they’re causing some sexual dysfunction.

Is It Normal for My Husband to Not Want Me?

It’s completely normal for a partner to experience a decrease in sexual desire or not feel intimately connected. 

This may be temporary and can possibly be pinpointed to factors like psychological or health-related issues, as discussed earlier in this article. 

But the hope is that it’s temporary.

When your husband doesn’t want you, it can be disheartening and tough on your self-image.

But rest assured, it’s most likely something going on with him.

So try not to take it personally if your husband doesn’t seem to be interested in sex right now.

And if it goes on for a long time and you’re really not sure what’s going on, you can take steps toward resolving the issue, as we’re outlining below.

What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You? 

Ask if he needs you to initiate sex more often

If your husband is struggling to initiate intimacy, ask him if he would feel more comfortable if you took the initiative more often. 

This can help him feel desired and understood. 

And in the end, it may get you exactly what you want.

Have a conversation about what’s going on 

man and woman talking seriously on a couch

You will likely need to address your feelings on the subject if it’s ongoing and it bothers you.

That is, talk to your husband about his lack of motivation in the bedroom.

However, you’ll want to approach it without blaming, shaming or criticism.

Say something like:

“I miss our intimacy, and I want to work on it. Is there anything going on that you would like to talk about?”

Be sure to show empathy and acknowledge that you’d like to work on having a healthy sex life together, so that it isn’t you against your husband and his mysterious affliction.

Reaffirm that you care about him deeply and want to maintain your connection 

Let your husband know that you deeply care about him and the relationship. 

Showing your love and appreciation for him can help alleviate any excess embarrassment or defensiveness around a sexual issue for him.

Everybody wants to feel loved and understood.

This can open the door to a more open and honest conversation.

Work on your relationship issues 

close up of a couple hugging

Address the non-intimate aspects of your relationship, such as conflict resolution or emotional support. 

Proving to yourselves that you can get through hard times together can make you stronger as a couple, and positively impact your physical relationship. 

Try not to pressure him 

The last thing you want to do is pressure him.

Putting pressure on your husband will create additional stress.

It will likely lead to fights and make your husband feel incapable of satisfying you, which will worsen the problem.

It’s also not very fair—nobody should feel pressured into physical intimacy, regardless of the situation.

Instead, aim to create a supportive atmosphere where he feels comfortable discussing his thoughts and feelings. 

Suggest therapy if he can’t talk to you about it 

You should be prepared for the possibility that your spouse doesn’t feel like talking to you about a sexual issue.

If he finds it challenging to communicate, suggesting couples therapy might be a helpful step towards resolving not only the physical issue, but other problems in your relationship as well. 

And if couples therapy is a no-go, individual therapy or perhaps some type of support group could help him as well.

Considering the circumstances, sex therapy is also a good idea.

A licensed sex therapist can help you identify and tackle mental and emotional problems impeding your sex life.

Remember, though, couples therapy doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble—it’s simply a resource to help develop better communication and understanding.

Take care of any medical reasons you’re lacking intimacy 

Medical or psychological issues may impact sexual intimacy, as mentioned above. 

If you suspect there might be an underlying medical reason, consult a healthcare professional for advice and possible treatments. 

Try spending time together where you agree not to be physically intimate 

couple on a day date with the woman pushing a bicycle

One way to make sure spending time together is pressure-free while also working on your relationship connection is to ban physical intimacy.

Leave no room for expectations of a date night or day date ending in the bedroom.

This can do a number of things for you as a couple:

  • Help build trust
  • Reestablish your emotional connection
  • Make fun and silliness a highlight in your relationship
  • Trigger romantic feelings and desire

If your husband isn’t feeling sexual desire, it could just do the trick to take it completely off the table and let him enjoy being with you one on one.

This can reignite the spark simply because he no longer needs to get into a cycle of anticipation, anxiety and guilt. 

Try introducing something new and different to your sex life 

Sometimes you need to spice things up to reinvigorate sexual attraction in your marriage.

It may not be the only step you need to take, but it can be one of the encouraging factors to move your husband into an adventurous spirit.

Try exploring shared fantasies to reconnect sexually with your husband. 

Compliment him sincerely 

Offer genuine compliments to your husband. 

Men tend not to get complimented nearly enough in general, but husbands can especially lack the amount of attention they secretly desire.

So go ahead and leave him notes, send him texts and wrap your arms around him while letting him know how attractive, smart and amazing he is as a husband and human being.

Boosting his self-esteem and making him feel appreciated and valued can do wonders for this issue. 

Be patient and understanding 

When dealing with sexual issues in a relationship, it’s imperative to have patience and compassion during this delicate time. 

Offering your husband support and showing that you’re not judging him is what will help you get past it. 

Final Thoughts

There are so many different reasons a husband may not want sex anymore.

But issues in the marital bedroom may be temporary, and many are certainly solvable.

Communication and empathy are powerful tools to help the situation and motivate your husband to figure it out together in a gentle, loving way.

Give him compassion, never put pressure on him.

And seek to understand out of genuine concern and love.

Remember, you are a team in all things, including any problems in your relationship.

This one is no different.

FAQ 

How do you know if your husband doesn’t want you? 

Think your husband may have lost interest in you?

If he hasn’t touched you in a long time, notice whether you’ve lost emotional intimacy as well.

The combination of a lack of affection, sexual intimacy and emotional closeness can point to your husband’s disinterest in a physical relationship with you.

Why do I feel my husband is not interested in me? 

This is a good question.

You may feel like your husband is not interested in you, when he really is—sometimes a man’s erectile dysfunction, for example, can stop him from making advances.

But it can be easy to feel like he’s not interested if he doesn’t make the effort to show you.

He may be really busy at this time, or perhaps struggling with his own personal problems.

This is why it’s important to have a conversation with him and examine the root cause, so you can find out what’s really going on.

My husband loves me but not sexually 

This is very tough to deal with.

If you’re in your sexual prime and your husband has declared that he doesn’t want a physical relationship, it’s OK to consider whether you can continue on in a sexless marriage.

Sexual needs are very real and valid, and an incompatibility like this may or may not be resolvable for you.

However, you will probably want to explore ways in which you might be happy together first.

If it’s a temporary issue for you husband, you can work on rekindling the spark between you.

Signs husband doesn’t want you sexually 

Some signs your husband doesn’t want you anymore are:

  • Lack of communication
  • Avoiding physical touch
  • No longer prioritizing your needs or interests
  • Frequent criticism
  • Cheating

It’s important to realize that these signs in and of themselves don’t mean that he’s not attracted to you or doesn’t want sex anymore.

But there is a constellation of signs that can point to a lack of physical interest.

How do I save my marriage when my husband doesn’t want to?

If your husband doesn’t want to save your marriage but you do, this is the time to do something about it.

First, you will want to say to him and also demonstrate your sincerity and eagerness to fix your relationship and make it one you both want to be in.

But you will have to go much further than that.

You will need to completely change the way you relate to each other.

Your relationship dynamics have soured, and now it’s time to get yourselves out of that negative pattern and relearn how to talk to each other and treat each other.

This is where you can be the hero in your marriage when your husband has given up.

Marriage coach and relationship expert Dr. Lee Baucom goes into detail on this in his Save The Marriage Program.

A relational change starts with one person who chooses to stop being reactionary and responds with gentleness and compassion.

When you stop feeding into the negative cycles by changing your own behaviors toward your husband, you starve the negativity and replace it with a positive, constructive dynamic.

And your husband will be forced to respond to it in a new way.

If you’re the only one who wants to save your marriage, click here to check it out.

Marlene Davis is an experienced blogger with a focus on interpersonal relationships. Her dream is to help improve people's lives and relationships through sharing of practical knowledge and evidence-based practices.