Why Doesn’t My Wife Love Me? (8 Reasons She Went Cold + What to Do)

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“Why doesn’t my wife love me?”

The short answer is that it often comes down to one or more of these factors:

  • Arguing about the same thing over and over again
  • Having different expectations of marriage, sex and each other
  • Bad communication
  • Unknowingly taking your wife for granted
  • No “affection maintenance” or quality time together

If you don’t want to lose the love, hope and respect in your marriage forever, it may be time to seek help from a Marriage Therapist created guide like Save The Marriage.

Click the link above now, or keep reading for answers about your wife’s cold emotions.

Why Doesn’t My Wife Love Me?

wife upset with her husband on a couch with a quote about how wives stop loving their husbands over time

Did your wife tell you she sees you as more of a “friend” or “roommate” now than a lover and a husband?

Maybe she hasn’t said something nice or encouraging to you in months.

Or years.

Obviously, all wives don’t share the same cookie-cutter problems that lead to cooled feelings.

But there is one thing that tends to be true if your wife doesn’t love you anymore:

It happens over time.

Or rather, losing her love happens after a lot of little things add up.

Keep throwing a handful of dirt in the same spot and eventually it’ll be a mountain.

Keep in mind, we can’t diagnose what went wrong without asking your wife.

But we can definitely look at some of the typical issues that slowly build up between you.

Read next: My Wife Wants a Divorce. How Can I Change Her Mind?

1. You’ve had the same argument too many times

couple arguing in a car with a quote about fighting destroying love in a marriage

Fighting about the same thing over and over again accomplishes one thing.

Making you better at it.

If arguing is what you do best, love can’t really compete.

Of course, occasional disagreements are not the nail in the coffin.

In fact, couples who just try to avoid confrontation are no less likely to lose emotional intimacy than couples who are at each other’s throats.

However, frequent bickering about things that don’t ever seem to change will have your wife feeling like a crazy person.

And that feeling will come to dominate all other emotions.

Love included.

2. There isn’t enough affection maintenance

I say maintenance because that’s really what it is.

Too often, we associate affection with spontaneity.

What I mean is, we feel tender moments with our loved ones, and then we want to show them affection.

Which, in turn, nurtures feelings of love.

Obviously, this tends to happen a lot in the early days of marriage.

But for many of us, it starts to fade without us even realizing it.

In reality, keeping the fond feelings in your marriage strong requires that you “exercise” them, not unlike a muscle.

So if the hugs, touches and thoughtful words and phrases have barely existed between you and your wife for some time, you’re out of practice.

And that can come at the high price of your wife falling out of love with you.

3. You have no shared vision

woman watching a romantic movie scene while a man is sulking with a quote about different expectations of the future hurting your marriage

Imagine your life together like a movie.

What’s it like toward the end of the film?

Is it like the movie playing in your wife’s head?

If not, you may have very different views of the future, something your wife puts a premium on—especially as she gets older.

Maybe the issue is that your wife doesn’t see a future with you.

If you’re not in the end of her movie at all, she will struggle to continue investing her love and emotions.

Similarly, if your “happy endings” don’t match, that’s a source of tension and confusion for your wife.

Which can absolutely erode her feelings for you.

4. Your wife incorrectly assumed marriage would change things

This is a really pervasive problem.

And, unfortunately, it’s a tough one to fix.

Maybe your wife thought getting married would make you “grow up.”

Or make your relationship problems disappear.

Or prompt you to focus more on career or family.

All of these expectations will depend on what kinds of values your wife attaches to your marriage.

Dr. Lee Baucom calls them “North Stars” in Save The Marriage.

So, when things didn’t go as planned for your wife, the marriage became valueless.

In reality, you, as a couple, failed to find the correct North Star.

And your wife fell out of love.

5. You don’t spend enough one-on-one time together.

couple bored texting at the breakfast table with a quote about your wife losing interest in you

There can be a lot of things that prevent getting alone time with your wife.

And by alone time, I mean quality one-on-one time.

There may be demanding jobs or opposite work schedules.

Children to pick up from after-school activities.

Aging parents to take care of.

Unless you’re independently wealthy, it’s normal to get less quality time with your spouse (let alone to yourself) than you’d like.

But, the less you get, the more vigilant you have to be that you don’t drift apart.

Unless you both just really love routine, it’s dangerous to never get out of your day-to-day routine because there’s never a chance for your wife to see you in that spontaneous, romantic light.

For many women, this makes them feel like ships passing in the night.

Which, ultimately, chips away at your wife’s connection to you.

6. You have incompatible expectations in the bedroom.

I hate to say it, but this is a real thing.

For some reason, we put a lot of stock in sexual compatibility when we first start dating someone, but not always our marriages.

That’s a mistake.

Note, the sort of sexual compatibility I’m talking about is a state of contentment where you and your wife both feel you’re getting your sexual needs met.

It doesn’t mean you both have the same favorite position.

It does, however, mean your expectations of sex should be clear and accepted.

Say your wife didn’t feel there was nearly enough sex in your marriage.

That could have made her feel rejected, frustrated and even a little embarrassed for being “too sexual.”

Which could have forced her to try to turn “off.”

And, inadvertently, become emotionally distant from you.

7. Your marriage lacks communication

You’ve likely heard this one before.

How does a lack of communication kill your wife’s love?

She doesn’t feel heard.

And she won’t understand where you’re coming from.

With no way of understanding each other, there’s no sympathy for either party.

Not only a lack of communication, but also bad communication can have these effects.

It’s pretty much the same thing.

And it will take its toll in the long run.

8. Your wife feels taken for granted

woman cleaning the floor with a quote about wives feeling taken for granted by their husbands

Another massive, but often silent issue.

Often, women don’t feel “seen” in the roles we ask them to play, whether explicitly or implicitly.

Roles like housekeeper, nurturer and child-rearer.

Eventually, their husbands stop showing appreciation when their wives do the dishes 80% of the time, keep the household finances in order or mind the kids all day.

Or, the case could be that your wife has felt too much like a “wife” and not your romantic partner.

Why? Because you stopped getting her flowers.

Stopped complimenting her.

Never pull her aside to tell her how amazing she is.

That, husbands, is a recipe for a cold wife.

So now what do you do?

If you suspect your wife doesn’t love you anymore—or if she’s told you as much—you have zero time to waste.

You need to put your marriage back on track.


You have a few options.

Work on the issues

couple showing affection with a quote about fixing relationship problems for a healthy marriage

First of all, if any of the above situations describe yours, you need to address them.

Love can’t grow in toxic soil.

Bear in mind, however, that certain actions may be considered too little, too late.

For example, you may be able to buy your wife a dozen roses and tell her how much you appreciate her.

However, you’re probably going to need help to stop fighting.

If that’s the case…

Try couples therapy

Couples therapy is an option many turn to.

The real question is, does it work?

For some, the answer is absolutely yes. 

In fact, modern couples therapy claims a much higher success rate than older forms.

Getting a good therapist is one factor.

Still, success can really depend on how truly open both parties are to it.

Truthfully, many couples end up divorcing anyway.

Something else to consider is the time and financial commitment before you start seeing results.

If those are issues for you right now, there is a third option.

Start a marriage program

Your third option is to start following an expert-created marriage program from home right away.

It should help you find your true “North Star,” bring the love back and reseal your commitment to each other.

The biggest hurdle here? Choosing a program.

As with couples therapy, success rates vary.

So, you may need to do your homework on which one you feel most confident about.

If you’re looking for a vetted solution, we highly recommend Save The Marriage.

Its success as “marriage therapy” comes from the fact that it treats the source of the problems rather than focusing on symptoms, or incorrect methodology.

As it happens, it claims to work whether your wife joins the program, or you go it alone

Which may be what you need if your wife is not motivated like you are.

If you’re interested, check out Save The Marriage here.

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Marlene Davis is an experienced blogger with a focus on interpersonal relationships. Her dream is to help improve people's lives and relationships through sharing of practical knowledge and evidence-based practices.