Discovering that your husband is talking to another woman can be a confusing and emotionally charged situation.
Still, it’s important for you to approach this with a level head to address it.
Here’s what to do:
- Approach it will curiosity and interest at first
- Be direct about your discomfort with the situation
- Listen to his point of view with an open mind
- Trust your gut and state your boundaries
- Be a concerned wife, not a jealous spouse
- Don’t let yourself become a third wheel
If you feel your marriage is slipping away, you have to replace the negative cycle with a positive upward trajectory.
If you don’t know where to start, use the therapist-created techniques in relationship coach Dr. Lee Baucom’s guide Save The Marriage.
Click the link above now, or keep reading to find out what you can do about your husband talking to someone else.
Table of Contents
What to Do About Your Husband Talking to Another Woman
Approach it with curiosity at first
No doubt you feel uneasy about your husband talking to another woman.
But confronting your husband is a delicate process.
You want to openly acknowledge that you’re aware of the situation, but also not jump to conclusions.
To do this, approach it with curiosity.
First, try to get to know the woman your husband is talking to. Show genuine interest in their friendship.
For example, you might ask how they met, if they work together or if they have any shared hobbies or interests.
But, be careful not to cross the line into invasive questioning or make your husband feel like he’s under interrogation.
While gathering information, maintain a non-accusatory tone and avoid making assumptions.
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, but also stay aware of any inconsistencies in his explanation or behavior.
If nothing is going on, you may be able to get a sense of that.
But if there is something going on, you’re showing that you’re not blind to his interest in her.
Talk to your husband directly
When you notice that your husband talks to another woman, don’t let it drag on while ignoring it.
Talk about it directly and honestly.
Calmly express your feelings and concerns about what’s happening between the other woman and him.
It’s important to choose the right moment and environment to have this serious conversation, preferably when both of you are in a relaxed state.
Be honest and use “I feel” kinds of statements to keep the focus not on his actions and whether they’re right or wrong, but on how you feel.
He might be unaware of how his behaviors have affected you—or unwilling to consider it.
Stick to the facts
As you talk about your husband’s behaviors, stick to the facts if the conversation seems to be veering off course.
You don’t want to be backed into a corner constantly defending your feelings.
If you have evidence of some shady business (just don’t snoop to get it), have that ready before your conversation so you can talk about specifics.
Even if you don’t proof, that doesn’t invalidate your concerns.
The facts are these:
- He’s been talking to, texting and/or messaging another woman.
- There are limits to how much access other women should have to a married man—long, late-night texting sessions while ignoring his wife and family are inappropriate.
Whether your husband has the intention to cheat or is completely innocent, the facts speak for themselves.
Using them can demonstrate how your husband’s behavior has crossed lines, however unintentionally.
Listen to him
Let your husband defend himself and explain.
There could be details that you’re missing that will give you vital context for the whole situation.
If they’re just friends from college or some prior event in his life, that could explain his comfort level with her.
If nothing else, letting him speak gives your husband the opportunity to express his feelings.
As you listen to your husband’s explanation, practice active listening by giving him your full attention and not just waiting for your chance to counter what he’s saying.
Try not to get defensive, and avoid interrupting him to encourage a constructive conversation.
It could shed light on feelings he has about your relationship that you didn’t realize before, problems he’s having in his personal life, and so on.
In this case, listening to him could be an opportunity to fix issues together and fill gaps in your relationship—gaps that other women may be inadvertently able to fill right now.
Ask specific questions about the nature of their relationship
As you’re getting everything out in the open and identifying the issue, make sure to ask specific questions that get at the details of your husband’s relationship with the other woman.
What do they do together? When your husband talks to her, what do they talk about?
Is she a coworker who gives him work support? Or is she more of a sympathetic ear that your husband confides in?
Ultimately, another woman should not be the main support in your husband’s life—it should be you.
If she offers him relationship advice or anything of that sort, that’s a dangerous boundary that they are both crossing into a more intimate connection.
You can also ask if they’ve made arrangements to meet in person or if they’ve established any future goals together to gauge the seriousness of their relationship.
The more specific your questions are, the more insight you can get into what’s happening between them.
Explain it from your point of view
One way you can get your feelings across to your husband is to ask him to see it from your perspective.
That is, ask him how he’d feel if the tables were turned.
Would he be comfortable with it if you started talking to another man? Lying in bed texting with a stranger all night? Keeping your messaging hidden?
The answer is probably going to be a big “no.”
If your husband says that he wouldn’t mind, then it’s likely that he’s in some sort of denial about it to protect his own illicit relationship with another woman.
If you have a husband who’s difficult to talk to?
Learn how to approach him in a way that will change how he relates to you and gets him to respond differently with the steps in Save The Marriage.
Remind him of his duties at home
It can help to play to your husband’s sense of duty and responsibility as a husband and family man.
A husband who takes pride in his role within the family will hear this and feel some embarrassment if he’s been falling short.
If you have children, his responsibility is to set a good example for them and spend quality time together.
As a husband, he is committed to you by marriage vows and by his honor and reputation.
Additionally, your husband should prioritize your feelings and concerns and ensure that the emotional and mental well-being of the family comes first.
If he selfishly wishes to pursue a relationship with a relative stranger over the needs of his family, then he has deeper issues to work out and you need to look at what’s missing at home.
Do not let it go
Once you’ve gotten things out in the open, don’t let them slip back into the darkness.
Keep your husband accountable by staying curious about his communications with her and reminding him from time to time about your feelings.
Even if he shows you his texts with her and they seem harmless, if it’s bothering you, you have a right to make yourself heard and expect to be taken seriously.
Reiterate healthy boundaries
A healthy marriage is founded on trust, love, empathy and healthy boundaries.
You may have assumed certain boundaries in your relationship, but clarifying them now is crucial.
Everyone’s boundaries are going to look different, as boundaries are personal and based on your expectations.
Keep in mind, boundaries are not just saying what you don’t want your husband to do.
You could also ask him to let you know when he does chat with her, if you feel it’s not threatening to your relationship, just for the sake of transparency.
A good, general rule to make is that you don’t share things with people outside of your marriage such as:
- Details about your relationship, sex life and private life
- Information about you or your family
- Financial information
- Details of fights you’ve had or bad-mouthing each other to members of the opposite sex
If you find you’re having a hard time figuring out what boundaries you should set, you can choose a close friend or family member to talk to about it and get their opinion.
However, if you want a more objective viewpoint, a marriage therapist may be able to help in this area.
Don’t become a third wheel
Trying to wedge yourself into their communications is not the answer.
There are some wives who assume that this will help them keep tabs on their husbands and ruin any chances for bad behavior.
However, this is no guarantee.
In fact, trying to make it a group friendship may backfire if it excites your husband or the other woman to have a secret right under your nose.
Or they may go to greater lengths to hide their communications.
Bottom line, it’s not a neat and tidy resolution to the whole issue.
Introducing yourself or being part of their conversations from time to time may establish your presence, but attempting to undermine your husband’s relationship with the other woman by railroading their conversations might even push him closer to her.
Come across as concerned, not jealous when your husband talks to her
It’s perfectly legitimate to feel some jealousy when your husband has ongoing interactions with someone else, especially someone you don’t know.
But jealousy is a fickle emotion and can back you into a corner when trying to discuss things with your husband.
Instead of coming from a place of jealousy, try using sincerity and opening your heart to him.
Tell him exactly what you’re afraid of happening.
“I can see you enjoy talking to her and I’m concerned about this developing into something more between you.”
Maybe he’ll think that’s completely unfounded.
Or, maybe it’ll ring some bells for him and remind him to keep himself in line.
If he scoffs at the suggestion, remind him that this is indeed one way that affairs start.
And you can also tell him that while he may not intend for that to happen now, things have a way of getting out of control.
That’s why you’re bringing it to light now, before it gets away from him.
Don’t let him downplay your feelings
Don’t let him convince you that it’s no big deal.
It’s easy to doubt yourself, especially when you have nothing but a sneaking suspicion that something isn’t right.
But again, your feelings are valid and your husband’s first priority is to you.
Call out emotional invalidation calmly and assertively if you need to.
If your husband is being honest, caring and sincere, he should be interested in making you feel secure rather than making you feel crazy (which is gaslighting, by the way).
Consider whether your intimacy has taken a hit
Take a moment to evaluate the current state of intimacy in your relationship.
Has there been a decrease in emotional or physical closeness between you and your husband?
While there’s no reason this should drive him into the arms of another woman, it could leave cracks in your relationship that another woman could get her foot in the door.
Acknowledging and understanding each other’s feelings can help you address any potential reasons behind the increased communication with other women.
Consider issues that might be affecting your intimacy like stress, low self-esteem or personal issues.
Unbeknownst to you, factors like these may have been influencing your desire to engage with your husband.
Another thing to consider is asking your husband what he needs.
What would make him feel loved, supported and satisfied in your relationship?
Taking it for granted that you already know how to do that for him could lead to accidental neglect of some of his deeper needs and desires.
Recommended Reading: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me?
Make sure to spend time together
The final piece of the puzzle is to nurture your relationship by spending quality time with your husband.
Focus on the joy and love you share and make time to be romantic, have fun and goof off together.
Keep making efforts to show him how much he means to you.
Consider setting aside dedicated time each day or week for just the two of you, which can be anything from a simple conversation or watching a show together, to planning a date night or weekend getaway.
Do new things together and create memories.
You could also make a “no technology” rule (that applies to both of you) to help keep the focus on each other.
Is It OK for a Married Man to Text Another Woman?
On the face of it, it’s not abnormal for a man to text a woman, even a married man.
But that’s not really the question.
You want to know if it’s OK for a husband to share some sort of intimacy, emotional intimacy or otherwise, with another woman via text.
And the answer is, not really.
That is, unless you have a relationship where you’ve agreed to that kind of behavior.
But in a typical monogamous relationship, it’s expected that a husband limits his communications with other women to ensure that feelings don’t develop on either side and no lines are crossed in a physical or emotional affair.
Now, there are of course exceptions to every rule.
Sometimes a man might have a brotherly-sisterly type of relationship with a female friend that is truly harmless and nonsexual.
But a husband texting with a female coworker or new contact is usually treated with some type of caution.
Red flags arise when texting becomes excessive or secretive.
If your spouse is spending an unreasonable amount of time on his phone, it could indicate that he’s talking to another woman and getting more out of it than a “just friends” dynamic.
Is Talking to Another Woman While Married Considered Cheating?
Determining if talking to another woman while married is cheating largely depends on the nature of the conversations and the emotional connection established.
Casual conversations and friendships are generally harmless.
However, there are situations where talking to another woman can be considered an emotional affair.
This occurs when a close, intimate connection is established with someone who isn’t your spouse.
The difference between emotional infidelity and simple friendship lies in the degree of intimacy and attachment involved.
If the communication involves sharing personal information, crossing boundaries or discussing intimate aspects of your life in a way that would make your partner uncomfortable, it may be considered cheating.
Some factors that may be indicative of emotional cheating are:
- Anticipating alone time or communication with the other woman
- Believing that she understands you better than your spouse
- Decreasing time spent with your spouse
- Engaging in conversations that your partner would find improper
Why Would a Married Man Talk to Another Woman?
Understanding the reasons behind your husband’s interactions with another female can help you navigate your feelings and approach the situation with more clarity.
They’re old friends
It’s common for people to maintain relationships with their old friends and connections, even after they’re married.
Your husband’s connection with this other woman might simply be a result of their long-standing friendship.
Maybe he met this female friend on the job a long time ago, or she’s a long-time family friend.
In this case, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, unless you have reason to believe it’s inappropriate because they text each other all the time, or they share private information.
They work together
Workplace affairs happen.
And it is common for colleagues to continue communications outside of work, whether for camaraderie or because they’re working together on a project.
If your husband is talking to a female coworker, try to differentiate between friendly, work-related conversations and potentially inappropriate interactions.
This can be tough to do, but over time, the truth may reveal itself.
For example, if your husband keeps contacting this coworker at all hours of the day and night or continues to make excuses for reaching out to her when he could reach out to any other coworker, something could be amiss.
He’s having an affair
If you suspect your husband is having an affair, you have our deepest sympathies.
Direct communication is key in this situation to disrupt the affair.
Some choose to wait and gather evidence first, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to.
Not to mention, it’s an invasion of your husband’s privacy to snoop.
One option you have is to openly express your concerns and ask him to show you specific emails or text conversations with other women.
Your husband genuinely doesn’t understand that she might be attracted to him
There’s always the possibility that your husband is innocent, but the other woman is not.
He may be oblivious to the fact that she’s attracted to him or even actively trying to get involved with him.
If you suggest this to your husband, he may become more wary of his own interactions with her and be able to ward against anything getting out of hand.
Should I Confront the Other Woman My Husband Is Texting?
Deciding whether to confront the other woman your husband texts can be a complex decision.
To make an informed choice, consider the following before taking any action:
- Evaluate your emotional state. If you’re feeling overly emotional, take some time to process your feelings before taking any steps.
- Assess your intentions. Are you hoping to gain information, seek closure or express your feelings? It’s important to know what you want to achieve from the conversation.
- Consider it might not go as you want it to. Bear in mind that confronting the other woman might not provide you with the desired outcome or make you feel better about your relationship.
- Gather all the relevant information about your husband’s interactions with her. It can be helpful to make sure you know the nature and extent of their communication before deciding to confront her.
- Prioritize communication with your husband. It’s more critical to address your concerns and feelings with him than focusing on trying to keep her away from him.
Ultimately, the decision to confront or not confront her is personal, but just know that it’s not necessarily going to stop their communications or help clarify anything.
How do I deal with my husband loving another woman?
Many women feel more hurt by their husbands having an emotional affair than a physical one.
There is no easy path when your husband falls for someone else.
First, acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to have them.
You will need to find a way to deal with your own emotions about it, whether through therapy, journaling or support groups.
But you will also need to ask that your husband commit himself to your marriage despite his feelings for another woman.
If he can’t do that, then there is a real risk of your marriage ending.
But if he can, you might be able to come back from this and rebuild your relationship with more compassion and resiliency.
How do affairs begin?
Affairs can begin for a variety of reasons, such as emotional dissatisfaction or unmet needs in a marriage.
Most commonly, affairs begin where there are gaps in your relationship.
This is why communication is so important, as is working on your relationship not just when it’s in trouble, but also when it’s healthy to maintain it.
What are signs of infidelity?
A cheating spouse will leave certain subtle signs:
- Sudden changes in behavior
- Increased secrecy
- Unexplained absences
- Emotional distance
- Sudden lack of physical affection and intimacy
- Unexplained irritation and moodiness
- Reduced attraction to the cheating partner’s spouse
- Suddenly becoming hyper critical of their spouse and relationship
What is micro cheating?
Micro cheating is a term people use to describe seemingly small, yet inappropriate behaviors that can lead to or indicate emotional infidelity.
Examples include excessive texting with someone outside the relationship, hiding online interactions or flirting on social media.
Signs your husband has a crush on another woman
Your husband may have a crush on another woman if:
- Your husband confides in her, but won’t confide in you the same way
- Increased attention to his personal appearance, particularly when he knows he’s going to see her
- Spending an unusual amount of time on the phone or social media
- Suddenly showing new interests in things he wasn’t interested in before (but that the other woman is interested in)
- When your husband texts her often and makes excuses to talk to her
Signs your husband is texting another woman
Signs of your husband texting another woman include:
- Hiding his phone from you
- Sneaking away from family activities to “work” or do something else that requires him to be alone
- Spending long hours texting without a valid explanation
- Sleeping with his phone under his pillow or somewhere he can access it secretly
- Deleting text conversations
Is it OK to read your spouse’s text messages?
Respecting privacy is important for a healthy relationship.
Snooping may not only further erode trust but also demonstrate a lack of respect.
It’s better to address your concerns openly with your spouse rather than invading their privacy.
How to forgive your husband for talking to another woman
Forgiveness is a personal choice and takes time.
If you want to forgive your husband, communicate your feelings and work together to rebuild trust in the relationship.
Get to the root of the issue and resolve any relationship problems your husband’s transgressions have stemmed from.
Make it clear that he must work to repair your emotional intimacy and operate with total transparency and honesty going forward.
Forgiveness isn’t an overnight thing, but with time, it can happen.
If you’re struggling in your marriage and want to save it, start using the techniques to refocus your marriage on the “we” in Save The Marriage by therapist and relationship coach Dr. Lee Baucom.
Marlene Davis is an experienced blogger with a focus on interpersonal relationships. Her dream is to help improve people's lives and relationships through sharing of practical knowledge and evidence-based practices.