How to Ask Your Partner for More Intimacy (Right & Wrong Ways)

If you want to know how to ask your partner for more intimacy, let this guide show you the way.

We’re going to break down:

• Exactly how to approach and ask for the intimacy you crave
• The three C’s of intimacy
• What not to do so that you don’t steer the conversation into a car wreck
• Questions to ask your partner to build intimacy

Let’s get right down to it.

How to Ask Your Partner for More Intimacy

Fret not—there’s a way to ask your partner for more intimacy that will create a constructive team effort, getting them to work on the problem, too.

This is how you’ll get results.

Follow the tips below to get the ball rolling.

Read Next: 20 Sneaky Things That Destroy Marriage

Make Sure You Plan the Conversation First

Instead of hinting around your desire and complimenting your partner’s body, ask when would be a good time to talk.

Let your partner know you want to have a conversation about intimacy and connection in your relationship.

Why schedule it?

Because springing it on your partner makes them feel put on the spot.

And you don’t want them to feel pressured about sex and intimacy.

Mention What You Love About Your Intimacy

You can help your partner feel more open by starting off on a positive note.

Let them know what it is you really enjoy and appreciate about your intimate connection.

It could be past or present

Just state what makes you feel close to your partner and how good it makes you feel.

Include All Forms of Intimacy 

Focus not only on your sex life, but on intimacy between you in all forms.

The early morning cuddles.

The feeling of closeness that comes with long talks on the couch at night after the kids go to bed.

Intimacy is not merely a mechanical sexual act.

It’s emotional, mental, physical, verbal, spiritual.

We tend to acknowledge that women need multiple forms of intimacy, but the truth is that men do, too.

So be sure to talk about all the ways that make you feel bonded to your partner, and chances are, they’ll share many of them with you.

Talk About the Pattern You’re Noticing of Your Dwindling Sex Life

Now you can mention that you’ve noticed that sex is getting less and less frequent in your relationship.

Use the words “I’ve noticed.”

This is so that it doesn’t sound like you’re accusing your partner or complaining.

You’re simply noticing that there’s been a trend of less sex or intimacy developing in your relationship.

Ask What They Think About Your Sex Life

Next, ask your partner if they’ve noticed the same thing.

If they say yes, then that’s good—you’re on the same page.

If they say no, ask for their perspective.

You want to be curious and interested in their view of the situation.

Maybe they felt a little defensive in their initial answer of “no,” but respect the answer they give.

As you invite them to relate their experiences, they’ll feel like you’re really listening, and that it’s them you really care about—not just getting more sex.

Ask If They’re Happy With Things As They Are

Asking if your partner is happy with the current state of things in the bedroom lets them lead the conversation.

Maybe they haven’t wanted sex lately because they’ve been busy and distracted.

Or something else is going on that you didn’t know about.

They might be feeling just as disconnected as you are and want to get back the intimacy that’s been gone.

Whatever it is, you’ll find out by giving them a platform to voice their feelings.

Find Out What’s Missing

Is there anything that’s been lacking for your partner?

Ask them.

Perhaps you didn’t realize that to them, your emotional connection has been strained, leading to not wanting sex.

Discover what’s going on in their world.

Your job is to discover the gap between your expectations and reality as your partner sees it.

Learn What They Need

Direct your line of inquiry towards finding out what it is they need.

Try to get as specific as you can.

Do they need more physical affection? If so, what’s their favorite form—hugs? Kisses? Holding hands? A massage after a long work day?

Or maybe they’d like to spend more carefree time together like you used to in the old days, cracking jokes and not thinking about stressors and worries?

Sometimes our significant others just need to be asked, and this makes them feel safe to share.

State Your Desire

Now you can talk about your desire for more intimacy.

Just like your partner, you deserve to have your feelings heard and needs expressed.

Since you’ve given that to your partner first, they’re likely to want to return the favor.

Keep it simple: “I’d like to increase the frequency of sex.”

Then follow it up with, “How do we meet in the middle?”

Ask to Work Together on It

Just like any other issue in your relationship, you find a solution together.

Request that you work on it as a couple.

Ask what your partner thinks are some good ways to fulfill both of your desires.

You can pose your own ideas, too, getting feedback from your partner.

Schedule Another Talk

This shouldn’t be the last time you talk about sex.

Regular communication about every aspect of your relationship, including intimacy, is part of a healthy, functioning relationship.

Ask when your partner will have time to revisit the conversation for a little progress update.

You can also say that you’ll both think more on a solution and come back together to share what you’ve come up with.

But make sure you pencil it in your calendars.

Even if the date of the next talk changes based on conflicting schedules, at least you made it real by allotting it time and space.

Give Your Partner Some Space 

Talking about intimacy, as you may suspect, is not going to instantly change things.

After you’ve had the initial talk, let it simmer for a while.

If your partner has asked you to do specific things to increase intimacy, definitely put them into action.

But don’t expect that it means they’re going to jump into the sack tomorrow night.

The best thing to do is to let them guide and initiate.

Hold Up Your End of the Agreement

Whatever solution you find together, make sure you’re being diligent in practicing what you’ve agreed to.

Maybe that’s making more effort to pitch in with dishes without being asked because your partner values acts of service.

What Are the 3 C’s of Intimacy?

The three C’s of intimacy are Communication, Compromise and Commitment.

Without them, intimacy between you and your partner suffers, both in and out of the bedroom.

What do the three C’s mean?

They mean that in order to nurture intimacy in your relationship, your partner needs:

• To hear your loving communication: You communicate regularly, with kindness, appreciation and respect.
• To solve problems together: You approach and resolve conflicts from the point of view that you’re on the same side. You show care and concern for each other’s problems and perspectives and find compromises that nurture both of your needs.
• To know that you are a team, today, tomorrow and always: Your relationship is a “we,” not a “you and me.” Your partner needs to know that you’re willing to give your relationship what it needs to survive and thrive.

This goes both ways—just as much as your partner needs these three pillars of a healthy relationship, you need them back, in equal measure.

What Not to Do When Asking for More Intimacy

Just like there’s a right way to ask for an increase in intimacy, there’s also a wrong way.

Here are the things to avoid.

Don’t Start the Conversation With a Request for Sex

If you come out of the gate requesting sex, you are likely to get shut down.

Your partner might be aware that this is something you’d like, but skipping over the fact-finding session of what they think, feel and need is to shoot yourself in the foot.

Framing the conversation in the right way is crucial to creating the right mindset for the conversation to happen, and garner results.

Avoid Shame and Blame

Avoid statements like, “You’re not attracted to me anymore,” and “Why don’t you ever want to have sex?”

These statements put your partner on the defensive and make them feel accused of being the problem.

Don’t Pounce on Your Partner

Following your partner around like a horn dog is not going to help.

It might seem like right-now is the perfect time to act, but if you haven’t put in the work first—or asked if it’s what your partner would like, too—then exercising patience is what you need to work on.

Remember, pressure doesn’t make for a sexy atmosphere.

Try Not to Keep Asking

Along the same lines, you don’t want to hound your partner about the subject.

Let your actions and efforts lead and speak for you.

Don’t Stop at the Bare Minimum

If your partner has told you ways in which you can help them feel more in the mood, don’t do the bare minimum.

This means that you’ll want to think about what they’ve said and apply their advice in ways that show you’ve really digested it.

If they’ve asked for more quality time, don’t just wait for the weekends to whisk them away somewhere.

Create small moments throughout the week to connect.

Take five or ten minutes to sit down and have coffee together in the morning.

Write them sweet notes to open up at work later and create that moment of connection from a distance.

Low effort is not likely to be rewarded, but your creativity is.

Don’t Forget the Basics of Physical Attraction

Sometimes we don’t realize that we haven’t tried as hard to attract our partners physically as we did in the beginning.

If you’re living in hole-y sweats or neglecting hygiene, attend to that.

Even if your partner hasn’t said anything about it, it could be something to add fuel to their fire.

40 Deep Intimate Questions to Ask Your Partner

Intimacy, as we’ve discussed, is not just about physicality.

Working on all aspects of intimacy, including the mental and emotional sides, can have a profound effect on your sexual connection.

Try asking these questions when you have some quiet time together.

Questions That Build Connection

• What’s a memory from our early days that still makes your heart skip a beat?
• If you could describe our relationship as a season, which one would it be and why?
• When do you feel the most seen and understood by me?
• What’s a tradition you’d like us to start just for the two of us?
• What’s a habit of mine that you find surprisingly endearing?
• What is your favorite thing about the life we’ve built together so far?
• Can you describe a specific detail about me—like a certain scent or the way I laugh—that makes you feel instantly grounded when your world is spinning?
• What is a part of your personality that you usually keep tucked away from the rest of the world, but you feel safe enough to let out when it’s just the two of us?

Questions to Learn More About Your Partner

• What’s a secret dream you’ve been too shy to say out loud?
• If you could have any job in the world for just one week, what would it be?
• What’s a memory from your childhood that always brings a smile to your face?
• What’s your favorite way to “unplug” from the world after a busy day?
• What’s a book or movie that completely changed the way you look at the world?
• What does a perfect day look like to you from start to finish?
• What’s the most meaningful gift you’ve ever received, and why did it mean so much?
• What’s a risk you’ve taken in your life that you’re really glad you took?
• Is there one question you wished people asked you more often?
• What’s a value that you will never compromise on, no matter what?
• Can you share the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?
• Can you tell me a small win you had this week that you’re proud of?

Self-Reflection Questions

• What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since we’ve been together?
• If you could go back and give your younger self one piece of advice about love, what would it be?
• What were our very first impressions of each other, and how have they changed since then?
• If you could change one thing about your past, would you, or do you like where you ended up?
• If you were to write a letter to the world about the impact you hope to leave behind, what would be the main theme of your story?
• When was the last time you felt connected to something bigger than yourself?
• What’s something you’re afraid I won’t understand?

Questions That Inspire Your Partner About the Future

• If we could drop everything and start a completely different life together, what would it look like?
• If we could move anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would you want to go?
• What qualities of ours would you hope our children (or future kids) inherit?
• Is there a project or goal we could work on together that would really excite you?
• What are you most excited about for our future together?
• If we could look back on our time together decades from now, what’s the one shared achievement you hope we’re most proud of?

Questions to Foster Support

• What’s a challenge you’re facing right now that I can support you with?
• What’s the most important thing you need from me when you’re feeling stressed?
• How do you feel our communication has improved over the last year, and what more could we do to further improve it?
• In what way can I show you I love you that I haven’t tried lately?
• What’s a nagging chore or errand I can knock out for you this week to clear some space in your mind?
• What is a sign that you’re starting to feel burnt out that I should be looking for, so I can step in sooner?
• What is one thing I can do to make you feel like your efforts are being celebrated rather than just expected?

What Happens If Things Don’t Change?

If you’re not feeling like you’re making any progress with your partner, first, ask yourself if you’ve given it enough time.

It might take months to really feel the impact of your efforts.

On that note, consider whether you’ve been hitting the right notes with your partner.

Ask them.

Bring it up during a scheduled conversation about your intimate life.

Your partner may not realize that you’re not feeling enough of a change in the right direction.

If all else fails, relationship therapy is always an option.

A third party can look at the issue from angles you might not be addressing and help you both reach a solution from an objective standpoint.

Final Advice: How to Fix a Lack of Intimacy?

Time, communication and effort are what will encourage the changes you want to see in your sex life.

You have to create space for the change to happen, but also make sure you’re keeping up the communication side of things to get feedback and stay attuned to one another.

If your partner knows you’re trying and sees the effort you’re putting in, they are much more likely to work on it, too. 

Authenticity, empathy and showing real care and concern for your partner’s needs and feelings will create the pathway to the connection that fosters physical, emotional and sexual intimacy.

FAQ

What is the 3 6 9 rule in a relationship?

The 3-6-9 rule is about the evolutionary stages of your relationship. 

At three months the novelty wears off, by six months you’ve seen each other’s shadows, and at nine months you’re deciding if your futures truly align. 

It’s a helpful timeline for gauging whether a connection has the stamina to go the distance.

What is the 7 7 7 rule for couples?

To protect your connection, you can use the 7-7-7 rule in your relationship—

Scheduling a date every week, a weekend getaway every seven weeks and a big trip together every seven months. 

It’s like the routine maintenance your bond needs to keep working properly, like a car needs oil every so many miles and routine maintenance at the mechanic’s.

How to ask your partner for more intimacy via text

Try sending a “I’m really craving some time with you tonight to just talk and be close” text during the day. 

State your longing and put the ball in your partner’s court.

It’s simple and lets them know what you need without being pushy or accusational.

What are signs of lacking intimacy?

Do conversations feel purely functional rather than sparking genuine interest? 

Do you focus on logistics like groceries and bills rather than your internal worlds?

Is the silence between you heavy and awkward?
If so, then perhaps your connection is fading, and with it, intimacy.

Why doesn’t my partner want to be intimate with me?

Often, avoiding closeness is a sign that your partner’s emotional bandwidth is being used up by some external source of stress.

Or, there could be an issue that you haven’t addressed yet as a couple, and it’s on their mind.

Whatever it is, you won’t find out unless you ask.

Just be sure to come to your partner stating your feelings and observations rather than blaming them for neglecting you.

What is the strongest form of intimacy?

Vulnerability.

It’s the nakedness of the soul, where you share your deepest fears and highest hopes, that creates the emotional glue between you. 

This level of honesty creates a profound sense of being truly known by your partner that physical touch cannot replicate on its own.

What are the 4 levels of intimacy?

The four levels of intimacy are:

• Emotional intimacy
• Physical intimacy
• Spiritual intimacy
• Intellectual intimacy

Essentially, sharing your hearts, minds, bodies and souls.

When you nourish all four, you create a powerful connection that’s resilient enough to handle just about anything life throws at you.