20 Sneaky Things That Destroy Marriage & How to Prevent Them

What are the things that destroy marriage? They’re not always so obvious. 

That’s why it’s critical to know what they are as early on in your marriage as possible so that they don’t destroy yours.

Things that can ruin a marriage often start small, like:

• Lack of communication
• Prioritizing work, children, personal goals—but not each other
• Lies—even little white lies
• Defensiveness
• Criticism
• Feeling underappreciated
• Not learning how to properly resolve arguments
• Lack of boundaries
• Misaligned values, including financial ones

If you’re noticing cracks in your relationship—or you just want to prevent them—don’t wait. Start learning the techniques to reconnect and repair now. 

The training resource we recommend for this is Dr. Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage. It teaches you how to completely reset your marriage and get your partner on the same side, even if your spouse isn’t interested.

Check it out, or keep reading as we tackle the little (and big) things that can wreck a marriage. We’ll also be discussing practical steps you can take to avoid them.

20 Things That Destroy Marriage: Slow, Sudden and Silent Triggers

Ask any divorced person what killed their marriage, and they’ll tell you about that moment that hit them like a ton of bricks. When they knew they just couldn’t continue.

But that moment probably didn’t come out of nowhere. In reality, it was likely preceded by many—many—little offences.

Constant arguments. Not saying “thank you” and “I’m sorry” enough. Unresolved conflicts that grow into resentment.

Death by a thousand cuts.

The straw that finally breaks the camel’s back could be something big, or it could be something small.

The point is that the things that destroy a marriage usually start as molehills: bickering, lack of appreciation, broken promises. 

But over time, they turn into mountains that feel impossible to climb.

So let’s now go over some of the most common issues that can destroy a marriage, and ways to make sure that they don’t.

Read Next: 20 Must-Read Signs of Poor Communication in Marriage

Poor Communication

As many of us have heard before, poor communication is a no-go for a healthy relationship.

When you make assumptions or you and your spouse have vastly different communication styles, misunderstandings can happen.

It’s frustrating when it does, but constant communication battles will make daily life tense.

And while there’s no magic wand you can wave to prevent all misunderstandings, there is something you can do to help catch them before they create bigger problems.

The key is to reflect back in a conversation what you believe the other person is saying.

“It sounds like you’re saying x, y, z. Did I understand that right?” 

Then give the other person a chance to agree, or help you understand better. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how simple (but effective) this method is.

Stress

Don’t underestimate this one.

The stress each individual holds usually gets brought into the relationship, regardless of the source of that stress.

It’s difficult not to let work stress affect your mood, but feeling under pressure from your boss can make you snappier with your significant other.

So can big life changes like buying a house, selling your home, moving to a new location, starting a new job, even becoming new parents.

All things that are both wonderful, and stressful in their own ways.

If you’re feeling stressed out about something and you know your patience is shorter than usual, it’s good to let your partner know.

They’ll likely feel sympathetic towards you since you were willing to share it with them—emotional vulnerability is an important form of intimacy—and give you extra space and support.

Withholding Thoughts and Feelings

Maybe you feel like you can’t express yourself for one reason or another.

But when feelings go unacknowledged, they snowball, creating emotional distance.

If this is an issue in your marriage, be sure to try two things:

1. Have regular check-ins. Your spouse doesn’t know what’s going on inside you unless you let them know. Scheduling regular family meetings between you and your spouse can create space for you to voice your concerns. Think of this as your own “state of the union,” where you both get to review how things have been going over the past week or month and say what’s going well and what needs work from your perspectives.
2. Proactively seek out your spouse’s opinions. Especially if they’re the passive communicator type. If your partner seems to be balking at dinner suggestions, you can say, “Hey, I get the feeling you’d rather go out to eat tonight than cook, am I right?” This gives your spouse an opening to state their needs and can reduce tension for them. Just make sure to let them know you support them no matter what.

Reactiveness

We all have knee-jerk reactions sometimes that we regret later.

But if you and your spouse immediately respond to each other with finger-pointing, name-calling and raised voices, you’re going to have a problem.

Practice is the only real way to rein this in—practice responding rather than reacting.

The first thing to do is pause.

When you want to react, you can try deep breathing, walking away to cool down or using grounding techniques (that’s right, they’re not just for anxiety). 

Basically, you use your body and senses to ground you in the moment rather than in the nervous system overload that’s happening.

The more you practice, the better you’ll get at it.

The secret is in building the muscle memory so that pausing to squish a stress ball becomes a natural response, instead of having no other tools in your marriage communication kit than firing back at your spouse.

Defensiveness 

The Gottman Institute describes defensiveness as one of the Four Horsemen of a precarious relationship.

Defensiveness breeds contempt and blocks real discussions from taking place.

But it’s a tricky thing to beat. You can’t just tell your partner to stop being defensive, or they’ll become more defensive.

You need to break the cycle. Here’s a starting point:

If you tend to get defensive, get in the habit of using “I” statements: “I feel worried when you come home late without calling.” Avoid: “You never tell me where you are.”

It shifts the focus from blaming to how you feel. Not who did what.

Then ask for what you need. 

Like this: “Do you think you could try to give me a heads up when you know you’ll be running late?”

This leaves the conversation on constructive problem-solving.

If your spouse is the one getting defensive, first recognize that there’s something causing it: an emotional trigger or an unmet need, perhaps.

It may very well have nothing to do with the situation at hand. But you’ll need to hear your partner out if you want to diffuse the situation. 

Let them know you’re listening, and listen actively.

Responding with patience is the only way to win here—not just you, but both of you.

Avoiding Difficult Conversations

On the subject of communication issues, avoiding difficult conversations plagues many an otherwise great marriage.

Avoidance often comes from fear—fear of hurting someone, feeling rejected or disappointed.

Dodging hard topics may seem easier, but the truth is that unspoken issues don’t fade away. They just become bigger problems and can start affecting other parts of your married life.

To break this pattern, plan calm times to talk. Choose a place without distractions. Speak simply and stay focused on the problem, not the person. 

It may feel uncomfortable, but it builds trust every time you do it.

Secrets and Lies

Hiding information, even small details, can create a wall between you and your partner. 

You might think you’re protecting them, but secrecy usually breeds suspicion. 

The fact is, lying doesn’t have to be big to break trust. Repeated “little white lies” about anything from spending habits to pretending to enjoy your spouse’s hobbies can wreck your credibility. 

And when they come to light, they often cause more hurt and damage than if the truth came out to begin with.

The only way to tackle this one is to be open—even when it’s uncomfortable. 

If there’s something your partner deserves to know about that you haven’t said yet, find a quiet time when you can address it. Say it plainly, respectfully and with love. 

Even if it hurts.

Honesty helps both of you understand each other better and fosters mutual respect, even if it causes initial disappointment.

Broken Promises

Promises work like small contracts of reliability. 

When you break them often, your words lose value. Your partner begins to doubt that you’ll follow through. This hurts future cooperation, as well as intimacy. 

Simple things—forgetting anniversaries, backing out of commitments, showing up late, not finishing what you started—will make your spouse feel unimportant.

Bear in mind, the problem usually isn’t one missed birthday, but repeated inconsistency. Sometimes breaking a promise is unavoidable.

To keep it from becoming a pattern, be realistic about what you can commit to. It’s better to say no than to agree and disappoint later.

If you have to break a promise, explain honestly and apologize. Clear communication and genuine effort do more to repair the situation than empty excuses.

Constant Criticism

Criticism becomes part of a negative communication pattern that goes like this: 

Perceived criticism → defensiveness → blaming and arguing→ shutdown/silent treatment/stonewalling

Over time, criticism may lead to contempt and emotional detachment.

There’s a big difference between sharing your concerns and tearing someone down.

Personal attacks target your partner’s character, while constructive feedback focuses on specific actions.

For example, saying “You’re lazy” attacks personality. Whereas “It helps me when you take out the trash without reminders” addresses the behavior and inspires your partner to do more of the thing you want.

Try pausing before speaking. Ask yourself: Am I making a statement about what they’re doing, or who they are?

Remember to limit your comments to the present. It’s about what’s happening now, not everything that’s happened in the past.

Absolute statements like “you never” and “you always” only trigger defensiveness.

Not Scheduling Quality Time Together

According to Bolde, couples who ignore quality time become two ships passing in the night. Maybe not immediately—it can creep in slowly.

Work, chores, bills and soccer practice can easily fill your thoughts and your day.

But a healthy marriage needs connection beyond these things.

In scheduling one-on-one time with your spouse—even if all you can do is a monthly date night—you remember how much you enjoy each other’s company.

And by quality time, I mean just the two of you. No kids.

Mad at each other? Still try to schedule time for one another.

The reason is that the expectation of a quality time ritual can help ease tensions and motivate more generous feelings towards one another.

If you doubt it, try it.

What do you have to lose?

Ignoring Bids for Attention

What is a bid for attention?

It’s when your spouse does something or says something that’s meant to elicit a response from you.

Anything from asking you how your day was to reaching for your hand would be a bid for your attention.

If you’re scrolling on your phone instead of responding to these bids, or responding halfheartedly, your spouse is likely to get lonely.

And stop trying.

Even if they seem small, always respond to your spouse’s bids.

And if you can’t give them your full attention, still verbally recognize their need and reassure them: 

“I really want to tell you about my day and find out about yours, but right now it’s really important that I make this phone call. How about I make tea and we chat after?”

Lack of Affection and Intimacy

Physical needs go beyond sex. 

A spouse can start feeling neglected when they’re not getting enough of the highschool sweetheart stuff—holding hands, hugging or sitting close together. 

Especially if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, there can be a feeling of rejection without these little gestures.

Try to notice what your spouse offers in terms of physical intimacy.

If you find that there’s a significant imbalance in the ratio of hugs they give to you vs. the hugs you give to them, try to create some balance.

Consistent actions often mean more than grand gestures.

Unresolved Conflict

It’s not necessarily about the number of arguments you have in a year.

It’s about how well you bounce back from them.

If you’ve never learned how to properly resolve conflicts, you’re looking at a recipe for disaster.

Wounds never really heal. Resentment sets in. What you need is closure and repair.

There are different ways to resolve conflict depending on the situation, but using deescalation techniques, close listening and taking responsibility for our roles in an argument are pivotal.

Recurring fights and conflict patterns lose their teeth when we come from a point of calmness and empathy.

So often we’re afraid of not being heard or seen by our spouses, which keeps us in a defensive pattern rather than trying to end the cycle.

But if you want your marriage not just to survive, but to thrive, learning conflict resolution can’t be understated in its importance.

Drudging Up the Past

On the topic of conflict, one of the things couples often do when arguing is to bring up the past.

If your spouse spilled coffee on the rug and you’re connecting it to all the ways in which they’ve been careless in the past, you’re going to find yourself going down a long, frustrating and lonely road.

You might feel justified in reminding your partner of what they keep getting wrong. But doing so can make them feel constantly judged. 

And it can foster negative things like grudge-holding and simply your spouse not feeling good enough.

It’s not that patterns of behavior don’t exist.

It’s that keeping your response in the moment is the only way to work things out in a healthy, mutually respectful way.

Debt and Spending Habits

Apparently, over 50% of Americans may consider divorce as an option if a spouse winds up in debt.

Not just debt, but also not disclosing big purchases can be seen as a breach of trust and reliability.

Couples frequently have different spending habits and values around money. It’s crucial to get on the same page to fortify your marriage against this silent killer.

You might feel spending $200 on Amazon on a whim is no big deal, but maybe your partner would feel differently.

That’s why it’s vital to lay down the financial “rules” within your marriage. 

Determine what amount you each feel is large enough to require a check-in first—this may be $100 or $1,000. It really depends on your budget, financial situation and individual preferences.

Talk about what’s OK to spend freely on and what’s not in both of your views. 

Things like medicine and the electric bill may be automatic OKs, but maybe a new gaming system is not something your spouse agrees on at tax return time.

This is where you’ll probably naturally discuss financial goals, too—where should the money go? How much should get saved, for what reason, and in what accounts? 

Full transparency is the best policy.

As a general rule of thumb, don’t borrow money or take on debt without first discussing it with your spouse. Even if it’s for something you believe is for the good of your family.

As well, you might consider writing down a monthly budget and including income sources and debts to pay off just to make sure all is clear and findable in a spreadsheet.

Overly-Involved Extended Family

Some people love having a super involved extended family to hang with on the weekends.

Others prefer the nuclear family vibe and expect more occasional visits with the in-laws.

You really need to get your expectations out on the table with your partner in terms of what extended family involvement will look like.

The sooner the better.

It’s not necessarily an overbearing family member that will strain a marriage, but rather the response one spouse has to the other’s experiences and concerns.

Your spouse needs to feel like you have their back.

So if they’re unsatisfied with how you split up the holidays between your families, instead of leaping to defend your treasured Christmas memories with your parents, hear your spouse out.

Show that you’re putting them first.

This paves the pathway to compromise.

Taking Your Spouse for Granted

When you stop thanking your partner for what they do, you send a message that their efforts don’t matter.

Saying “thank you” when your partner cooks dinner or helps with chores may seem silly because you both take care of these duties, but it can go a long way in showing appreciation.

In turn, your partner will notice when you start verbalizing your appreciation more and may do the same for you.

Try saying one specific thank-you every day. Simple acknowledgment builds reassurance over time.

You may also try to do something kind for your spouse on a regular basis, or as often as you can.

Like making their coffee just the way they like it.

These little things add up, and they make your significant other feel just as valued as when you first got married.

No Compromise

Without compromise, a relationship is almost certainly unsustainable.

The inability to meet each other halfway leads to power struggles and feelings of disrespect.

Making choices without considering your spouse’s needs sends a clear message—you value being right more than being fair.

Everyday instances of a lack of compromise include insisting on revolving your lives around your schedule or just plain refusing to change your plan once you’ve made up your mind.

If two spouses don’t work together like a team, then the relationship becomes one-sided. 

The person who feels a loss of agency in the relationship may seek to regain some control. They may also do so secretly just to avoid a confrontation with you.

As much as possible, practice shared decision-making.

Even if you feel your way is best, recognize that there are two people in the relationship and two different opinions, both equally valid.

Holding the “Honeymoon Phase” as the Standard

It’s easy to look back on your early days together and wish things were still like that.

You both worked hard to impress each other. Romance felt more effortless. Everything was new and exciting.

But expecting your marriage to always feel like the honeymoon phase sets you up for dissatisfaction.

As real life takes over, the emotional energy once poured into constant affection naturally changes. That doesn’t mean love fades.

It evolves into comfort, trust and companionship.

You can still keep romance alive by creating small rituals of closeness. Write simple notes, hold hands or plan quiet walks together.

At the same time, keep in your mind how hard your spouse works at the things they do, whether they’re the primary breadwinner or stay-at-home parent.

This can help you appreciate the many sides of your life together, and how hard you’ve worked to build a great one.

And if the romance feels like it’s a little lacking, be the first to bring home flowers for your husband or wife.

You taking the time to show them that you still care in this way can be the spark you want for a two-way romantic exchange.

Not Accepting How You and Your Spouse May Have Changed

In marriage, you both grow as individuals. Interests, goals and values may shift over time.

Struggling to accept these changes can be hard.

When one or both of you cling to who you used to be, you risk missing out on who you’ve each become.

You can maintain closeness by staying curious about each other. Ask about work projects and new hobbies. Explore their goals and how they may have evolved.

Here’s another playful thing you can do.

You can go on a date and pretend that you’ve just met.

Get to know each other again. Come prepared with questions to ask as if it’s a first date.

This can help you “discover” new things about your partner and reduce tension, but it can also show you ways in which things haven’t changed.

You may find that you still share the same spark you always did, and realize that some things don’t change: like having fun together.

Frequently Asked Questions

What behaviors often lead to the breakdown of a marriage?

Criticizing, not showing appreciation and emotional withdrawal can make serious cracks in your bond. Any negative pattern that hurts your spouse (and you) and doesn’t get resolved will break down the marriage at some point.

Breaking the loop is what’s important. You do this by addressing whatever the negative pattern is head-on.

And if you haven’t learned both the art of compromise and the art of conflict resolution, you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor if you learn now.

How does infidelity impact the stability of a marriage?

Infidelity can break the trust at the foundation of your relationship. When one partner cheats, the other feels betrayed and emotionally unsafe.

Rebuilding trust after an affair takes a whole lot of honest dialogue, honest dialogue and humility. And often, professional help.

But without this effort, the feeling of betrayal doesn’t usually just go away. It lingers and causes problems related to trust down the line.

In what ways can financial issues contribute to marital problems?

Money problems, such as debt or different spending priorities, are an underrated source of marital problems.

You and your partner may disagree about budgeting, saving or who pays for what. These issues become serious because they’re part of our everyday lives.

We’re constantly spending money, paying bills, transferring funds between accounts and generally thinking about things that involve spending or saving money.

In short, money affects us and the way we live our lives in a very direct way. So you and your spouse being on the same wavelength about money is more critical than you might think at first.

Can a lack of communication truly ruin a marriage, and how?

Yes. Without open communication, you’re asking for misunderstandings and distance.

If you assume what your partner thinks or feels instead of asking, they can start to feel isolated from you.

Poor communication can escalate challenging situations into full-blown arguments. If you’re not communicating effectively, you may both start to feel like you’re going crazy trying to get through to one another, but not succeeding.

What are some common signs of emotional neglect within a marriage?

When you don’t get the affection and attention you need in your relationship, it can signal emotional neglect.

You’ll notice that you and your partner share few activities together. Your partner may not take an interest in your ideas, work or hobbies.

Maybe your partner doesn’t ask you how you’re feeling very often, or they don’t pay attention when you’re telling them something.

There are a lot of signs of emotional neglect, but it boils down to the feeling you get of being on the outside of your relationship somehow.

Your partner may be there physically, but they’re not there for you emotionally.

How do unresolved conflicts contribute to the end of a marriage?

Avoiding conflict, even to resolve it, doesn’t make problems disappear—it makes them fester.

Lingering issues resurface in the worst of times and create new arguments, often with even greater frustration.

By the time one spouse wants to end the marriage, they usually don’t care to even try to resolve the conflicts anymore.

They just want out.